Raceka. I'm sorry... it must be so hard. It's difficult for me to entirely understand what you're going through, because I was always aware that my mother was a really good, loving Mum most of the time. It was just that her illness took her away at times. Grieving for her was always going to be hard, I grieved for the loving Mum at the same times as feelling tremendous relief that the abusive bully was dead. But then, she also took her own life, and I've always felt responsible.

I know that she really loved us, and for the most part she did so well by us. It makes it easier to cope with the crap. But I think, to a certain extent, even the worst of parents ocasionally gave us a glimmer of hope as a child that they really did love us. Perhaps that's why it was hard for you in therapy. For a moment you were that child who hoped that the parent really did love them, perhaps, once for a moment, they really did manage to show that love. It must hurt like hell to have so little positive to hold onto. I think that's what hurts. What the parent child relationship should be, and what in fact it was. It's hard letting go not just of our parents, but also of our hope that they might change, might in fact be what we always felt in our bones they should be. Because a parent should love a child... and once they're gone, that's it. We can't ever mend that relationship, it's fixed in amber. That hurts.