(this is my facebook post)

I'm really feeling down, even though I post videos of myself having fun, I'm not, its all a facade. My job hates me, or I hate my job; haven't figured that out yet. I'm pretty hateful right now. I'm bitter and miserable; I've been in a mixed episode for nearly 3 weeks now I hate it. I ****ing hate it. I have my 2 best friends that are always there for me and I can open up and tell them things that I won't even tell a doctor or a family member because I trust them whole heartedly, and don't trust anyone else!!! even though I'm never near Chicago or Orlando, they are almost always at reach thru my phone. I'm wishing that something would happen and I can end this horror and pain. I just want to be normal, or some derivitive of normal or just done. Life isn't fun, it hasn't been fun for sometime. I care deeply about my friends and couldn't ever do anything that would hurt them. It just wouldn't be me. I don't want people saying hang in there or it will be ok because it won't. It never is, and it never will be. Ever since my mom passed I've been into the depths of hell, where I have established a permanent residency. I want my life back, or not. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I've lost all interest in the things that made me the most happy; Aviation and Culinary. this just blows