I've now had two panic attacks just today, after not having any for several months. I'm so freakin' triggered by everything that's been going on here. I hate asking people for help in the first place, even when I have a legitimate need, and all this has pretty much guaranteed that I will never ask anybody for anything ever again.

Please pray or send positive vibes or good karma or whatever it is your belief system allows that I get SSDI. I was told by my worker yesterday that my claim was about finished. I need a good result out of it. I can't work right now, and I can't take my family p*ssing and moaning about having to pay all my bills anymore, and there's not a chance in hell I'm asking any of my friends, online or off, for ANYTHING. I will just send the stupid drs. and hospitals $5 a month till I'm 100 or something. It's bad enough I have to live with my sister now. I feel guilty for eating her food (requiring her to spend more on it) and not contributing to her mortgage payment or utility bills. I feel like the biggest, fattest loser on earth, actually, because I can't really take care of myself anymore, and I have prided myself on doing that for a long, long time.

I want to cry, but I can't get it to come out. I'm too panicky to fall asleep, even though I have my alarm set for early so I will actually get out of bed before noon and DO something tomorrow. I'm not sure what it says that I'm this freaked out about what's going on here and I'm still coming here and spilling my guts. I think it says I need people, and I can't stand needing people. I can't stand not being self-reliant. I can't stand a lot of things right now.