.....alright...I am not at my best, I feel like crap. I don't know why.
I feel like drinking...
even as I wrote that I gave it damn good consideration for about 2 serious minutes.
I am still giving it consideration.
there is a vague list of 'non drinking gratitudes' drifting around in the background.
more specific to me right now is a cynicism...and it goes something like this.:

I am so grateful my freakin' brain has just malfunctioned today!
I am so grateful this causes a pressure to build up in my head!
I am so grateful the stress I feel opens up portals of thought sending my consciousness into places I don't recognise and they hurt!
I am so grateful I don't have a flippin' idea how to get back from these places!
I am so grateful that the antidote for my stress has no bloody antidote for itself except not using it to begin with!
I am so grateful for how pathetic I reckon I feel!
I am so grateful that I hate my mind today!

I guess throwing cynicism at cynicism...I can say I am so grateful that I can't be bothered adding to that list!

I really want a drink....or many.
but to hell with that at the moment.
there is nuthin' goin' on here apart from that I won't do it.

no tricks...no magic...no reasons.
defiance maybe...doesn't matter...who cares?

I wake up sober tomorrow