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You're right Gretta and I've thought that before. I've thought, why change this when it really doesn't matter to me because I'm so used to it. Only problem is I do also have schizophrenia as well and it worries me that I may ignore it and it get worse and cause me to become dilusional again because I'm not seeing the warning signs. As far as the dissociation goes... I'm kind of happy about the progress so far so I've been working on that. I don't nessesarily like the idea of recovering the memories from my blackouts and that's not something I really intend to do at least in the near future, and my last t told me I didn't have to, that it's really up to the person if they want to or not because if they don't want to it could make things worse and those who just learn co consciousness can live almost if not just like those who have integrated if that's where they want to be... That's what I aim for right now, who knows 10 years from now but I've been working on understanding and grounding to try and stay in the here and now when I'm about to go away. It seems to be working at least a little. Now my blackouts aren't nearly as dramatic and they are much less than every before, now I'm about 15% "with it" when this spacey faded numb feeling thing comes around, before it was just a black void, so I'm happy so far, but without a t at the moment I'm reluctant to test unstable waters so to speak so it's been slow moving until I can find one.
But like the hallucinations, the things I see and feel and hear and taste that aren't real, I've realized they happen so much more than I ever though and they have always been around. So why worry about them when they no longer have the power over me? Because I don't want to become dilusional. I get it, but at the same time there is that little voice in the back of my head saying "what if" so it makes me question just about everything about myself to make sure there's nothing that's "Noooo that's not good" or "That's not a good sign" things such as that I guess... Or just finding the reasons behind the things I don't like (like my anxiety... Finding all my triggers etc) so I'm trying to figure this out. I'm no psych Only taken a few psych classes and none of them covered things like this.
Boy I need a t, really!!! I hope to hear back from the one I can maybe afford soon... Hopefully
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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