hi all.

i've got my second round of therapy coming up at the end of this month.
it's c.b.t based as far as i can tell.
i'll be at the S.london maudsley again.

i've been referred back to the maudsley by C.D.A.T

C.D.A.T (community drugs + alchohol team)
signed me off and referred me:
as i quit using opiates, cocaine, drinking alot, mdma, e.t.c

however

i was signed off from C.D.A.T 'unclean' because they couldn't stop me smoking.
my keyworker came to the conclusion that i needed to deal with the anxiety before i had a chance of quitting.
however....
my first round of c.b.t was complicated and eventually ended unsatisfactually (all parties involved) by my cannabis use.
so going back to them; exactly where i left off... minus cocaine.
isn't really progress.

i really want to stop. but i just can't see myself without it.
it's just so damn complicated.

i have some sort of 'writers block' with life. i can't do anything.
can't feed myself alot of the time, so go hungry..
can't tidy my room/desk, so i sit in my high castle of mugs, plates, beer cans and cigarette ash.
can't even modify my daily routine slightly...
everything is just always the same. i do what i do everyday. i don't intiate anything other than in my mind. it never comes to be reality, just pipe dreams.

and weed makes my daily 'routine' less laborious and monotonous.
this couped with the extreme anxiety when i quit:
leads straight to Akathisia + panic attacks,

but when i've tried quitting weed before, i get clearer headed, less parnoid, neurotic - but i still can't do anything differently.
infact worse. : i then can't even do the 'time filling' rituals that i conform to
everyday without fail.
which leaves me with literally nothing.
i spent an entire week.. doing quite literally nothing.
no computer, no music, no t.v, no games, not going out, not talking, barely thinking. just completely on empty.

which {to me} points to it having route in my pyche as opposed to a direct effect of cannabis on my mind.

but i just can't know for 100% sure unless i take a good month or two off.
but of course i can't do absolutely nothing for that long without going straight up mad.

i've got: BDD, OCD, GAD, SAD, PANIC DISORDER, PTSD, AGROPHOBIA, BULIMIA.
i've got to get it right this time round in therapy.. which means being 'clear headed'
but i am completely stuck in gridlock it seems.

Circles
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