im confused as all outdoors because i have symtoms of it.
and i think i have cognitive symptoms of it. no doubt negative. this is the first time ive looked past positive though. though i always thought the cognitive was adhd or add, but nooooo i cant get treated for that because itll worsen my schizoaffective?
im so confused i dont know what to think right now or anymore.
my father says he doesnt think i have it, but then he lists what i act like and i see its what it is. not to mention ive realized over the past few months with that therapist my dad doesnt see much of what i deal with wrong with me. hes very confusing to me i cant understand a word thats coming out of his mouth. i know hes not here right next to me right now but i can feel (and not only his) his spirit hovering over my shoulder. and i out of fear i dont want to think. i fear he knows and EVERYONE knows what im thinking. im scared to think and when i DO TRY AND STOP it turns into a physical anxiety thing because im mentally restraining myself from mental nakedness. i seriously fear that people can read my mind and im scared. im scared it literally shows or in my eyes the words and letters and its hard for to think thats a symptom because it feels REAL if it is a symptom at all.

i do hear voices everyday, but not all day, just half the day, randomly.
i admit my extreme paranoia but the people following me thing IS REAL. ive even contacted police and metroplex (city) news media and they wont listen to me. NO ONE DOES. ive left SOS letters EVERYWHERE IN THE CITY but i dont know what to think about that either, because i dont tell my dad ive contacted certain people and have done certain things to get to the bottom of this. I LITERALLY HAD people banging on my windows and doors saying "were gonna get you" "we know your in there" "we see you" over and over and over 5-6 people. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE BELIEVES ME. and im in FEAR. im afraid for my LIFE. you want to know the truth? i cry because of this. im scared for my life.

one time i viewed michael jacksons body on a leak site (supposedly) and i heard a scream outside my window. it was him. at that moment i also had the tv on mute with conrad murrays trial. michael jackson was telling me that conrad murray was guilty for his murder. he told me through his screaming and i thought i was the only person in the world who knew this information.

amongst other things with that like that and other things in general.

i can admit right now im a danger to myself and possibly someone else. i stopped my car on the highway thursday or friday and proceeded to get out and i was gonna walk the concrete medium like a balance beam and then proceed to run into the cars to get hit. but i just got back in and drove home.
i fear other people trying to kill me and i want/need to kill them first. IS THAT NOT LOGICAL? like i said i fear for my life so much. and the fact that no one believes me is putting me in the most fear ive ever felt. i feel stricken. when i told a mental health pro that they called me delusional. this fear isnt coming out of just the blue.

im scared. i fear this. im truly scared. i really hope someone reads this today.