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Old May 04, 2006, 12:15 PM
AnneinLondon AnneinLondon is offline
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Member Since: May 2006
Location: London, England
Posts: 2
Thank you both for your kind words and support. It makes me feel SO MUCH better to be able to come to a place like this. I think I was trying to get away from my whole bipolar situation by keeping busy, and now that I'm settled in my new home, with my new life, I am finding all those old wounds finding me again and tearing me up inside.

First off, meeting my fiance, the first thing I did was tell him about my past. I advised him about my condition and also about my abuse. It's still so hard to talk about it, but I feel better facing the facts now that I'm older. I was sexually abused by my brother starting at the age of 12. He was the one who took my virginity, and the abuse continued for a couple of years. I attempted to tell my mother (who also suffers from mental illness), and instead of assisting me, she made me a sandwich and we never talked about it. My parents were divorced at that time so my dad wasn't around. They did eventually get remarried a few years later. We never ever mentioned my abuse again.

A few years ago I decided to have gastric bypass because (lo and behold!) I developed an eating disorder. But as soon as that avenue of keeping my past in denial was cut off, I found these past thoughts of abuse and my bipolar symptoms getting worse. That's when I decided to seek treatment. I was on Lexapro for awhile (my doc steady upping the doses to max allowed), then he switched me to Zoloft (again, steady upping the doses) and I also had chlorazapam prn. I was on Lexapro I think a bit over a year, and Zoloft about the same. I probably liked the meds cuz it did help my moods a bit, but the side effects seem to outweigh the benefits at any dose I was on. Does anyone else feel that way?

Anyway, I decided to confront my parents about all this denial of my abuse, and long story short, they cut off all ties with me. My father calls me an 'all out liar' saying he believes his son over me. He also likes to refer to me as 'nuts' and that I should be 'institutionalized' since I am so mentally defective. (When I separated from my first husband and traveled to England my father went to my ex and tried to have me committed) This treatment from my family and how they always manage to turn things as if it is my fault has not helped with my symptoms.

But I have successfully moved to England and I will be married in less than a month. The problem about me starting meds again over here, is that the medical system is SO MUCH different than in the states. For instance, in certain job applications, you must list medications and medical history. Since everything is on a National Health Service and not private insurance like America, my mental health situation will always call into question over here when I try to obtain employment. So because of that, I'm going to try and use therapy to help gain some control over how I feel. That's part of the reason I'm here on this forum to see if I can manage without meds. If I can't, I know I will have to go back on them. I'm pretty sure that's unavoidable, but I still wanna try.

In any case, my fiance has stood by me through all this, never judged me, never held anything against me. He's been a solid rock in my life (the first one I've ever had), and whatever mood I'm in he stays with me and helps me through it. He's started to read more about bipolar so he can help me as best as he can, and what he always says is: 'We will make it through this.' Him saying 'we' makes me so happy...I know I'm so lucky.

But every day is such a struggle. When you get so low, what do you do to try and get yourself out of that feeling? Does anyone have any 'tips' to work out when you are really in a low funk?

I appreciate all your help...reading my problems when you are dealing with your own...being there for someone who really needs your help. You've all made a difference already.

Thank you so much all of you ((((hugs))))

Anne. :-)