Thanks Hankster- you make me chuckle.

I know there is not much to chuckle at but still I chuckled, thank you for your support and kind words too.

No I don't think I am gay- I have talked about that with my boyfriend prior about "what if" and all- long story and off this subject for me with this recent thing - though that could be another person's subject- which I think would be ok to add any where and you have provided great words for many topics of the such.

No, not a gay thing is why I posted in PTSD-- I posted this under PTSD due to I do believe that part of it I tend to twist with past abuse of what happens in the present- especially with the inability to speak up when I really need to - however it is a catch 22- if I speak up then I ruin things in a way (though my boyfriend has never put that label on me and always has said in the past it is ok).. I am always at fear of losing him, then it comes down to - this I am losing myself if I don't talk about. Which is worse?

And besides that point of fear- my boyfriend has stuck by me with a lot of crap these past few years- and we talk a lot- So even though it is a fear and a possibility, the probability of him leaving me is lower; and probability of us just talking on it and trying to find a solution is higher.
I know life is not math however it is in ways and some times helps me think things through and courage to talk.

This like many Topics of mine- I tend to just Brush on the subject so many times (even through out years) -- then one or / of two things come up with me down the road-- One is it is like I realize with a hit in the soul- that there is more to it and I need to express that than just to brush on it. OR the second thing that has happened is that "what I think does not matter" does really matter to me, even though I knew it all along- Sort of not validating myself with things.

I am a rather confusing person; I am rather difficult. and yes this is something like you mention:
That is why I said I will be eventually able to talk on it or most of it due to I can write it down for myself- It is awful painful for me to admit to myself let alone to talk about however. It makes me feel weak (that I do this and to admit it/talk about it), it makes me angry from many angles, it makes me fear of losing him if we talk, and if we don't myself.

I told my boyfriend that I would not talk about it before I came to work- It really is not a conversation to have then have me leave- I don't think at least.

And I know this may sound silly but I started a letter to him on it- I thought maybe if I wrote a letter to him, and then read it to him- it would be easier- I have done this many times in the past and it works- he sits and listens or even reads it some times out loud to me.

I don't know if that is odd... but it works for the most part of me. My sister and I use to write similar like this when we were kids Bless her soul for her being her.