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Jan 10, 2012, 12:58 PM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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I'd hoped it wouldn't because I've been doing so well and I've been keeping my weight steady, but it seems my head has other ideas. ED is back, wanting fast weight loss, quick results, wanting to feel the hunger pang and the weakness that goes with it.
Since I got back on track with food, I've noticed that any time I let myself get to feeling starving, I get to be a not so nice person to be with. I get angry, I start stomping around and I whinge and don't want to do anything. I basically just make people not want to be around me or even talk to me. Looking at myself when I'm like that, I think 'is that what I was constantly like when I wasn't putting enough in?' Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't.
I'm finding myself cutting down what I'm eating again. I rarely count calories, but I am really terrible for picking certain brands of yoghurt or certain flavours because they have less calories/saturated fat. I've learned that calories are energy so for me, calories aren't a problem. The biggest problem for me is fat and saturated fat. I try to keep them as low as I possibly can and ALWAYS opt for fat free foods or very low fat foods. That's how it was, anyway.
Now, like today, I'm upping my intake of fruit, veg and salads and drinking litre after litre of water just to stop myself from going and eating a proper meal. Even when I do make meals for my partner, I go and cut my finger meaning I can't do anything anyway. Eurgh, I feel so useless! Can't get anything right...
I'm so fed up of feeling fat and like I'll never get a good career out of the one thing I never thought I'd do in the first place.. Modelling. My ED has been surprisingly good to me since I started modelling, but it seems I'm just not cut out for recovery somehow..
I'm really struggling with everything at the moment. Yesterday I wanted to kill myself, today I'm forcing the cut I just accidentally made, to bleed more than it needs to and I miss my Birth Dad, my Foster Dad and the friends I've lost. I feel so alone with everything and just like there's no-one there for me when I need them, even though I'm there for them as much as I can be.
I'm so stressed with money and I just can't do this anymore. I know I'm taking on too much, but at the same time I feel like I have to because no-one else will take anything on for me... It's like my job is to fix everything that's broken and to stop all the non-broken stuff from breaking, to keep everyone else happy.
Just so tired of all this and all I can do is restrict and avoid food or purge 
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