i am so sorry i keep harping on this but it is just blowing my mind.

no one in my life has ever really demanded that i use my words.god with the mother it was forbidden

when i was in psych hospitals it was all about containing my behaviors.i never talked hardly at all but had a wonderful way of using horrible behaviors to communicate what i needed.i never needed to talk and they never required it of me not even the T it was all maintenance.

in residential treatment all i was was violent i rarely talked .other then the basics to respond if talked to .one word stuff and absolutely nothing of any past or painfully stuff that was all screaming, SI,abuse,as the would just hold me down.even in T.i couldn't say much at all just behaviors.i would write some about stuff going on in the present day and that was accepted and encouraged.better than the behaviors if i couldn't talk at least i was writing so it was acceptable to me to communicate through writing poetry etc..not ever by talking .that was completely off limits i couldn't do it.I'm sure you get what i am saying being mute was OK and acceptable to some extent and i could always write if i needed to .my T would read it and talk to me about what i wrote even if i didn't participate and in fact sometimes i even got very violent if she read my words back to me.

i never had a T or anyone who demanded so strongly that i use my words. some one who just accepted that i am so scared that i just cant do it.it is kind of strange .i never ever looked at myself as being able to use my words at all with out it hurting me or someone else. it is hard for me to understand why i cant talk and really thought i just cant and that is it.i am scared end of story,it had never been put to me in the way my T did yesterday,with so much understanding.

she was able to start to put some words to the fear. to hear her say something as simple as, feeling like what i have to say is so horrible to speak that it can only be written and never spoken or dealt with.i just never ever thought about my silence and writing in this way at all . no one else ever did either.for once i have a clear answer as to why she will not allow the written word and only talk.she even said again if i needed her help that i could always call.USE MY WORDS.it is kind of strange to have someone who seems to really understand all this inability to speak on such a different level than anyone ,but at the same time demand that i do ANYWAY and that it is OK how ever i am able to, and what i say and how i say it. it is kind of neat that she understands how hard it is,knows all the horribleness and it is OK . in fact is excepting nothing less than me using my words to speak it..never done that or ever had a T be like this.maybe she does know how to help me be able to talk about all this yuck.this is for anyone who actually got through all my rambling.i must say that i don't think i will ever tell her about me being on PC because i can totally see her saying that is the same as avoiding talking