OK long story short, when I came to my therapist it was originally for an ED and I was also taking these ADD meds that were not prescribed for me called Vyvanse that helped me control my apetite and gave me a lot of energy to concentrate in school. My therapist helped me so much with the ED and helped me get off the pills. This fall semester was my first one completely without pills. I am currently in an MA program and hope to apply for my PhD next year. Anyways, I got a B+ in one of my classes, and I completely freaked out and couldn't call my therapist b/c of holiday, and ended up buying more pills.
So today was the first day I saw her after the holiday break. I had emailed her after break to let her know about the B+ and the pills. So our session went completely horrible. I could tell she was so disapointed in me, and she told me that if I needed pills to be in graduate school then maybe I shouldn't be in it. Then I got very quiet and didn't say anything, and then she backtracked and said that she didn't feel like that was the case with me, that I was smart enough to do it without them. But it hurt me so so bad that she would say that, and it doesn't help that she has her PhD from an Ivy League school. I could just tell she was so disapointed in me, and she said that the smart thing to do would be to learn from my B+ instead of taking the easy way out and buying pills, and that that way was the not smart way. That also hurt. When I left I was miserable and felt like I was going to cry the whole day.
A couple hours ago I ate some seafood soup and then purged it up. This has happened one other time after session, that I got very upset about something and purged, but it was a different scenario. This is the first time I have felt my therapist be truly disapointed or upset with me, and I feel like she doesn't even want me as a client b/c I bought those pills. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to session on Friday b/c I feel like a failure, and she hurt me a lot. And part of me wants to tell her I purged, but the other part feels that would be vindictive. Like "Oh, look how much you hurt me, now I"m gonna make myself throw up." I don't want to be like that. I just don't know what to do, but my first inclination is to email her and ask her not to respond, then to tell her I am not going to session on Friday and that I also purged and that she hurt me. But I don't want to make her feel bad. That is a big part of why I don't want to go to session, b/c I feel like I am too troublesome. I don't know, some advice please!