((((Splitimage)))))and (((((unhappyguy)))))

Yes, I know that too. Splitimage, I had the same kind of conversation with my therapist today. I also have that sense of a shortened life, I have lost my direction as well and I know all too well that deep darkness you speak of, even the wonder if there is going to come a time where I will be so blinded by the anger of dealing with this disorder that I too may give up. I also know the days that are very dark, it seems like I am fighting so very hard for reason, fighting myself.

I have spoken the words to my husband, I somehow wanted him to know I am trying but it is difficult and some days are very difficult. I am pretty disappointed because even though I have spoken of the struggle with SI. My husband still keeps a handgun loaded and plenty of bullets in the drawer of the night stand next to the bed. I queitly wonder, does he want me to? Or does he not believe me at all? I certainly would never put a hand gun next to the bed of someone who speaks of such grief and psychological struggle that they have bad thoughts would you?

I told my therapist about the gun today and how I felt about the different meanings it had for me about my husband. That gun has been there a long time, I had even asked my husband to take it away a long time ago, he never did, is that disrespectful? He says he loves me, does he?

My therapist told me that now he has to call my husband and talk to him, he also told me that he is going to ask to meet with my husband, that obviously my husband doesn't get it. Does anyone get it? Or are we alone except for each other in our understanding the difficulty of what it means to experience PTSD this way?

I feel like all I did was tell on my husband, it feels strange and deeply unsettling.
Why is it that I would have to have such a hard time speaking of such things?
Like long ago, hard to say.

I guess because I told my therapist it must mean that I do want to try, because now I know the out next to the bed will finally go away.

Open Eyes