<font color="black"> </font> Just 5 years ago my life was different. I had no real worries, no pain, no heart ache and no troubles. I was 37, felt young and vibrant. Young men still whistled at me and I always turned my head to acknowledge my confidence with smile or a wave. My relationship with JJ was great. Our love life was exciting and we enjoyed each other to the fullest. I never had any doubts regarding his faithfulness to me. He was who he was and I accepted him for that. JJ never asked anything of me, I was not expected to be anybody but myself, he loved me for me and our trust was very strong. When I started to become ill, he was the one who saw it first.
I was fatigued easily. I was sleeping more during the day and missing work just because I was so
exhausted all the time. My excuses seemed normal to me. I was doing to much. I was a busy women. I had 3 teenage girls and they were all active high school kids It was Christmas there are to many things that need to be done. All of these did not seem wrong. I was just tired, that's all it was. JJ wasn't convinced so he asked me like this "From my heart, I'm asking you, please, just go and have a check up." "Please." How could I turn that down? After the first visit came the tests, and more test, and more test and more test.
Six months later I was in bed most of the day, and I was having migraines 2 to 3 times per week. These were so bad, that JJ would take me to the ER, because I would vomit so hard I was breaking
vessels in my throat. Not to mention the pain! Back to the Doctor I went. Another six months of test and drugs, side affects, doctors appointments, MRI's and still trying to deal with the fatigue and migraines. At this point I started having pain in my joints and muscles sometimes it was almost as bad as the migraines. The pain would not always be in the same area it moved, it might be the left ankle and leg one day, then the right the next. Yeah you got it, back to the Doc. again. By this time now it has been about 1 1/2 years, 45 Doctors appointments, 4 MRIs, 8 different times of x-rays, 23 times of taking blood. But no answers and my symptoms were getting worse. Most of my days were now in bed, to tired or to much in pain to do anything. The meds either made me sleep or nauseous I was loosing weight fast. I weighed about
124 before all this and I was down to 108. People thought I was anorexic. No one understood it. JJ was struggling to help me. He was also struggling to keep our herd of cattle fed and all the work done all by himself. I wasn't able to help. Now and then we had helpers who we could hire and they could work, but usually they had other jobs or they were in school. This is where Gemi & Frank came in. They were just neighbors, but they had helped us once when our cows had gotten out and from then on we kinda kept in touch. Since I had been sick Gemi had been helping JJ once in awhile or Frank did. As spring came I was much worse and it was time to move the herd and JJ was worried how he was going to get this done. It was I who suggested Gemi & Frank. Turned out that only Gemi could help. Weeks went by and Gemi worked more and more and JJ talked about how much help she was. He even thought we should hire her full time. So we did. It also took another twist. Gemi, had a very rare arthrits in her hips, she too had been to many doctors with no help. JJ had done some research for her and made some calls to some old friends and got the name of a doctor for her. This took quiet a bit of time and she is deaf in one ear and mostly deaf in the other so she can communitcate due to a hearing aid and lip reading and she text her messages rather than calling. So when we are laying in bed at night JJ's phone would go off constantly and he would be answering her back constantly. It got so bad that I could not even talk to him because he would be texting. I remember one day I came home from my Doc. appointment and he was sitting in the chair texting, I said "Hi, You want to hear the latest news?"
He doesn't answer but he looks up and me and smiles. I got mad and walked into the bedroom and cried. He never did come in and still to this very day he doesn't know what I said or even what the doctor had said that day. I started noticing things, his routine changed, he would take his cell phone with him everywhere, even in the bathroom! He always made sure it was never more that a few inches from him. He made excuses to go outside at night to the barn. Like he would say he left the light on or he forgot to do something. I knew better, he wanted to go out so I wouldn't know he was texting her or she was texting him. Then he would feed later and later at night. He used to ask me to go. Sometimes I would but if it was really cold it hurt to much and I would not go. Then he stopped asking me at all. Sometimes he would say Oh I need to go the pasture and check on this or that. I might be a little while you going to be OK while I'm gone? Those are the times they would meet. It all added up to me and I had sneaked his phone a couple of times and read the text messages and even saw some of the photo's he would send her. They were not talking about fencing the back 40 acres.
I confronted him once, not letting on that I had seen his text messages. He denied all saying that they were just teasing each other, like guys do. He said he had gotten very close to her as a friend only and they were just fooling each other nothing else was
happening and that he would never do that to us! As I look into his eyes I wanted so bad to believe him. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth and he said he was telling me the truth. You have to understand this guy. He has been around the world, he is a member of AA or 23 years and NA for 14 he knows just how to say something so he's not lying even if he is. However, I have lived with him for 10 years and I know him like know one else. I knew he was lying. In the end I allowed it to die down because I knew the only way to make him understand that I knew was to put it in front of him. PROOF! So, I waited sooner or later it's going to show. So, on top of all of my pain and depression of my illness I now have to deal with this. Keep on smiling everytime she walks in my home and asks how are you? Oh, how I wanted to slug her. But I wait, but not long. They had been in the shop and I was there as well, then my daughter called me and I went to the house. When I went back,
I didn't go back the usual way, I went the back way, I walked very quietly. I look into the side door & couldn't see them, but I knew where they were. So then I walked right on in with normal noise. Boy did things move around in there fast. They both jump from between two shelving units, JJ with a funny look, talking like they were having a normal conversation and Gemi, so red around her lips, she looked like a suction cup had been on her mouth. All of her make-up was gone. What? I couldn't see anything? Did they think I was that stupid?! I'd had it by that time, I was ready to lay them both out right there and then. But I was so tired and I hurt so bad, that all I could do was start to cry. I just looked at JJ, he looked at me, I did a slight shake of my head and turn and walked away.
He never mentioned anything of that night, not even to this day. If I try to bring this up as a time and place for a point he doesn't remember or it's me who is confused. Then the day came. I was having a OK day.
I was a little tired but my pain wasn't too bad and I had been with JJ all day. We had a good day together, we laughted and talked. It was like it used to be. He kissed me and held me close just like nothing was wrong. Not even his cell phone went off that day. I couldn't figure it out ,but really didn't care I wanted the day to last forever. After we fed the cows, we came home and were just to the door when his phone rang,
I was only 6 inches away from him when he answered.
It was Gemi, I could hear her ask him if he want her to fed with him. That was it! I walk in the house and threw whatever was in my arms clear across the room, walk into the bathroom and shut the door. He was still talking on the phone. He told her he had already fed and he would need to call her back. Then he came in, mad because I acted that way, and said throught the door, "Are you going to tell me what this is about." I didn't answer at first. Then I said, "You already know." He stood there for a second, mumbled something and left. I sat there in the silence and cried so hard, all that had in me was torn out, even though I've known for sometime it's finally out in the open and it hurts as bad as a knife in my heart. I got undressed and stepped in the shower, I felt used and dirty and wanted something off me, I don't know why this was, but I need to feel clean. It was almost like he had touched something poisonous and then touched me and I had to get it off. When he came back I was still in the shower standing there letting the water just run off of me. I was so numb I felt like some one had died. He knock and asked if he could come in and talk. I let him, he and I both knew what was going to happen. He again started with the "what's wrong" deal. It was to late for his games. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. I looked him straight in the eye and said "For all of your faults, be they bad, ugly or damming, I have loved you." "I do not deserve to be lied to nor treated in the manor that you and your friend have chosen." "I have known about you two for sometime and suspected for even longer." "You have broken my heart!" "You have taken our dreams and thrown them away!" "For all of that, I still Love You, but I do not like you nor do I or will I trust you again." "And without trust JJ, we have nothing." Then I turned went into the bedroom and started to get dressed. He came in and grabbed my arms so I was looking at him and said "I'm sorry, I can't change what I have done. It was a mistake." "I felt alone since you've been sick, I didn't know how to help you and you were not with me any more. I was doing everything alone." "I do love you and I don't want this do end." "I can't do this without you, I can't be here without you." "Please, don't leave." "Please!" We talked for hours, he said they had not had intercourse that it was oral only, he seems to think that makes a difference, it doesn't to me. To this day he has said she is only a good friend and that they are only friends, we need her help here. He is right on part of that. Where we are it is very hard to find help for a ranch. The pay is low and the work is hard. I don't like her here. He knows that. He said that when he can he tries to get other helpers. It is true he has. But she's here 90% of the time. I am trying to go with him as much as I can so that they are not alone much, but I struggle with my illness and it's hard to hide the pain and fatigue from him. He knows me and he knows when I'm in pain. Sometimes I just don't think he is there for me. I am alone in the house doing the books for the business, not out there helping with the cattle like I used to. He said something once that has stuck in my head and it makes me cry each time I say it. "Your not my buddy any more." He didn't mean that in a mean way. He was describing his pain and what he was going through with my illness. I understand that there is more than my side of this, but I can't understand the affair. I don't know how to heal this wound. We argue a lot, but we are trying. We try to talk through things and not let it build up until we blow. At the same time we never have done the yelling and throwing thing. When I threw my things across the room the night I confronted him, that was the first time I have ever done so. So what am I to do, my love is deep, I've never loved someone so much before him.
I just don't know how to leave him. I want to work things out. JJ wants to work things out he has said this to me many times with tears in his eyes. This is not a game this time, I can see he means it. But is he capable? She is still here, working only. Leaves by 4PM everyday M-F. No after dark stuff ever. And the text messages have reduced to just a few regarding the next days work. (supposed) I am still not totaly confinced that she won't try something. I'm watching.
I'm hurting and I'm not smiling anymore.