I was able to talk about this- Well I wrote the letter and my boyfriend and I sat down; he read it out loud and then we talked about it.

The out come is that we talked, we will work on it, and he appreciates that I came and talked (or communicated) with him about what has been bothering me. But he does not understand why with a valid issue that I was afraid he would be mad, leave me or what not....... I wish I was not this way. It is hard to know if I am valid some times in my head- if that makes any sense and then the attached fears with things make it even more difficult.

My boyfriend had said something that my dad told me one of the last times that I talked to my dad-- My dad told me that he wishes I was not like him in the ways of keeping everything in, not talking and that leading to so much pain with in..... I was told that years ago and I still struggle with it but at least I am trying to break through from that- It is very difficult.

The unfortunate part (Not really in retrospected) is that I wrote the letter to my boyfriend in my Journal, so that is what we had when we were reading it, I had skipped a few pages from my last entry of about trying to hurt myself before all this due to not wanting to talk- my boyfriend had flipped the book cover but not all the way and the page landed open and he read part of it- I grabbed it and took it and said you are not suppose to be reading that page... He said he was sorry -- Also that all he saw was blood and exfoliation of skin and he had this worried look on his face
He asked if there was anything else that i needed to tell him; and I said no- just that I did not want to talk about this to begin with and that this was very difficult for me-- ....I did eventually break down and tell him what I was doing and intentions with it- after all he had already read part of it and I know how he gets with thinking (he can be like me and wonder a lot of what is going on).
My boyfriend said one of the most important things to me that I always strive not to do that I always have kept in my head-- He said- I never want to re-traumatize you; that is not my intentions and I would feel horrible if I did... (my boyfriend has his own story- so he does understand a lot of where I come from just not all of it- he has good parents that raised him- so he does not fully understand me for we come from different worlds in sense).

I am lucky to have him- I know not everyone would had taken this as he did and talked with me on it and trying to make a plan to better this thing that bothers me.

I have had so many experiences from family that bringing up an issue, and NOT trying to attack someone but bringing up a feeling and all--With my family- it is an attack and the issue never gets resolved, or it gets ignored; or it is just whining from someone- so it is not validated (this happened a lot when I was young with my parents) - I know my boyfriend is different but it is just so hard after growing up with a family like that and trying to get feelings out and not be scared-- IT is so hard....

I hope in the future I have a better time with this... and that i keep trying- This is for sure a memory to keep.