Lately there's been this option in my head. Normally I have positive fantasys around T where I am omnipotent and then there's the negative fantasy where she doesn't care BUT as I say this other option has crept into this thinking but having it or allowing it is akin to lifting a heavy weight with ones little finger only, and its telling myself that amongst all these thoughts there Is T and everything I can trust about her is there too, but I can't hold that thought foe too long, I can actually witness my own thinking fighting to get back to the idolised and the negative thinking and I asked myself why wouldn't I want this new real option? And its fear! Real fear to admit to myself that T is there, isn't going to reject me. Its like having a child locked in the attic running across the bare boards and I'm sitting underneath powerless to stop her pounding but now someones pointed out where the key is to the attic but to afraid to fully commit to dealing with her.