I had my monhtly appointment with my psychiatrist today. It was mostly a good session, although it was a little rough. We talked about suicide, we always do, and I said I'm always suicidal and what I've realized is that I see suicide as an inevitable outcome. For as long as I can remember I've known I'll kill myself, it's a question of when not if. Please don't worry I have no immediate plans, and if I ever did plan to act on my plans I'd get to an ER fast. So it's kind of like an escape plan for me, so that I'll always have an out. Then we talked how I am still incapable of planning the future. I never expected to live past 30 and I'm now 42 - but I can't envision myself as being retired, or being old - If I look ahead, my time frame is at most 5 years and even that's pushing it. We discussed how all of this was normal with PTSD, and then he said something that I thought was kind of dumb. He said I had to remember that the trauma is in the past and this is the present and we have to deal with the present. To an extent I agree, but the PTSD is definitely interfering in my present by making me feel broken - like damaged goods - and the constant thoughts of suicide aren't exactly a lot of fun. I know I'm healing slowly and I'm loads better than I was 10 years ago, I just wish the healing process wasn't so darn slow.

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