Hello everyone, thank you all for the advice and sorry it took so long to get back. Anyways, I ended up throwing the pills away and emailing her. I told her that she had hurt me and that she had made feel horrible and that I had purged. I also told her that I felt like I needed help (this is the first time in therapy I have ever said I have needed help with something) in not beating myself up for things so much and in feeling like I deserve praise. Because at present, I truly do not feel like I deserve to tell myself I did a good job or anything like that. But I also told her that the only reason I threw away the pills was b/c I felt that she was disappointed in me and b/c I felt that I would not be able to go to therapy b/c she would be too disappointed in me and I would feel ashamed, which is true. I did not throw the pills away for myself, I threw them away because of her, b/c honestly she is the one person that I will really listen to. I told her if I had to move away, then I would go right back to taking the pills b/c she would not be there, which is true.
She emailed me back and told me she was sorry I felt so badly, and that she truly did not mean to be hurtful, and she told me three times in the email that she thinks I am extremely smart and capable, and that she was trying to get me to see that I do not need the pills. She then said that we need to find out the reasons why I think so badly of myself "in the face of so much contradictory evidence."
It made me feel better, but I also hate admitting to her that she hurt me, which makes me vulnerable to her. I feel like I sound like a mess, like waayyy too dependent on her. Sometimes I feel like it would be better not to go to therapy and just not have her there, so then I could just do what I want to do instead of having someone there to stop me from taking pills or engaging in other not-so-great behavior. Like I already feel way too dependent on her and like I rely on her too much, and now I basically admitted it. I don't want her to think I am a freak or a cry-baby and that every time she says something I don't like I am going to go and make myself throw up. But most of all I hate hate hate admitting that I am vulnerable to her. Like sometimes I just feel like maybe I shouldn't be in therapy and just deal with things on my own.