I got there about ten minutes early. The receptionist came out, said hi to me and asked if I wanted to go ahead and pay my copay, which I did. Apparently T heard my voice, came out of her office and told me to go on in when I got done on her way to the bathroom. When she came back to her office, she asked how I was doing. I noticed she was wearing the bracelet I made her. I told her I was better than last time, but I had an eventful day. I explained what happened and we spent about 15 minutes talking shop about the mental health industry like nothing had ever happened.
She then asked me what was going on with me since last week. I told her I have come a long way in that time. I told her I had spent a lot of time with friends, what had been happening with H (and how it played into my "manipulative" email), that I had a good conversation with my mom, and things were going well at work. I read her some of my journal entries telling her about the mental processes I had gone through in the past week; that I had been obsessing in general until today. I told her that I was over the future relationship and she looked surprised and intrigued. I told her I had written her a letter and I had a journal entry I wanted to read.
I read her my letter (
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=212252). She said, "Can I say something before you read the journal entry?" I said yes. She explained very sweetly and definitively that she could handle any behavior I throw at her; the only reason why referral came up was that she was afraid if I kept obsessing on the future relationship and couldn't get past it, she would be more of a hindrance to me than a help. She said she saw how much distress I was in and didn't want me to be in that state because of her. She reassured me that would be the ONLY reason she would ever refer me; if she, herself, became the problem. There was nothing I could DO to ever lose her.
We talked about BPD. She still doesn't think I'm BPD. She thinks that certain relationships trigger a certain "borderline-like" response in me and that we will work to change the pattern. In response to some comments on one of my threads, she has worked and will work with any personality disorder.
I read her the journal entry where I "let go" of the rope (
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=211909) and she was so happy, I saw tears in her eyes. She said it was so simple, but obviously worked. She loved it! I told her this situation taught me to focus on NOW, not the future. She looked at me like, "Wow...she finally got it!!" She told me that it would not be easy and I'd have a tendency to slide back into old patterns...that we all do sometimes, but that I'd discovered truth!
We finished the session talking about some faith-related stuff, which I'll only go into if anyone asks me. When session was over, she quickly hugged me, but told me directly, "I love you." It was the only the second time she has said the words "I love you" directly to me. It usually just comes up in conversation; i.e. "If I didn't love you, you might be 'just a client' to me."
So, rupture repaired, lessons learned, progress made, and I still have the most wonderful T in the world. I have a feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful therapeutic relationship!
Healing? I'm ready! To infinity and beyond!!
