I just like to be the one in control and therefore I don't risk getting hurt. I also don't like to talk about things that happened in the past b/c I feel like I would be being too self-indulgent or dwelling on the past, so it's hard for me to talk about things like this. I am just used to being very independent and never relying on anyone, so it is hard for me to admit to my therapist that I do rely on her and that I am dependent on her, and that what she says affects me a lot.
However, I know what she is thinking when she says that we have to talk about why I think so badly of myself, which probably relates to Sannah's question. When I was younger, I did not have a good relationship with my dad and occasionally he would hit me and sometimes leave bruises. Over the summer, I was visiting home and he told me that he thinks that women, including myself, should not be able to vote.
I have briefly mentioned these things to my therapist, but I get very upset about them and don't like to talk about them. The one other time I purged after session was when she made me talk about my dad and didn't expect me to tell her that my dad had hit me sometimes, b/c I kept telling her it was stupid and not worth mentioning. And she kept pushing, b/c she didn't think it would be anything that bad, b/c I kept telling her it was stupid, so when I finally did tell her, I freaked out and purged after session. I don't know. I guess maybe that is why I don't like feelikng vulnerable to other people. Because when I was younger and my dad would occasionally hit me or just not be nice to me, I would feel stupid and disgusting, and I never wanted to be in that position again, where another person could make me feel that way.
WOW that was a lot right there.