Possible trigger for mention and brief discussion of "grooming" in CSA, and Penn State:


The first time I told a piece of it, which included the information that I had experienced CSA (I had thus far only talked about the physical abuse), I started off by saying "this is really hard to say." Somehow that made it easier.

I have written about some incidents and some details and some of the most yucky aspects of it in my journal (and my T has read them), but I've found it's really important to, as you put it, spit it out. For me, I've had to plan that I would share x, y, or z -- although I have also abandoned said plan. Half the time or so I have said that I think I want to talk about it, but things are in the way. So we talk about things that are in the way. My T is so gentle that if I indicate in the slightest that I am hesitant, he "allows" me to do so. I've had to tell him that I need him to push me, but he never pushes me to say the thing, but pushes me to talk about what's in the way.

So I have to plan to talk about whatever it is or I won't do it. I also have to say, I want to talk about this thing. T will ask me if there's anything he can do to help me, and when I say no he reminds me that he can put me in touch with that part of me that wants to say it and that he can hold the space for me in a way that feels safe.

I have never been afraid to say it, as in I don't think my perpetrator is going to come crashing through the door or anything terrible is going to happen to me. But I get extremely inarticulate-- my sentences are cropped, I am usually very blunt, and it just seems like I blurt ***** out rather than really think about it. Sometimes I feel like I have to shut off some part of myself that actually makes sense most of the time.

Other times, I've found it helpful if I can start by asking T a question. The most vivid time I remember is when I asked him to explain "grooming" to me-- which is a CSA term for when perps engage in behaviors (common examples are tickling or wrestling, and the now classic example is the Penn State perp) that encourage kids to see contact as "fun" rather than a violation of their boundaries. Another time I asked if it was common for perpetrators to reward their victims with gifts. For some reason, it is just really soothing for me to hear my T (who is an excellent public speaker) educate me about something. Just hearing his voice for a few minutes before I dump my t*rd, so to speak, really helps me.

I have been surprised that my emotional reactions to the telling have not been as extreme as I imagined them to be. Partly that is because my T is really skilled at helping me "container" whatever I've said and put it away. Partly it is because his response to my disclosure is both empathic but not over-emphasizing the stuff, either. By that I mean that he doesn't get all enthusiastic about the fact that I've told him, doesn't gush about how brave it is to say it out loud, doesn't make a fuss about it. I think if he were the sort (like a group T I had once), who went on and on about how great it is to talk about this, how wonderful I am for doing so, etc. etc., I would just STOP and never do it again. I need him to not put any more emphasis on it than anything else, except the extra empathy and attunement is less in his words and more in his tender and kind nonverbals and emotional reactions. If there is such a thing as a benefit to telling, it's that when I expected to look over (not that I really look much at him when I'm telling) and see him upchucking or looking like a parent whose kid just mastered potty-ing, instead I see someone who is unflappable but empathic and understanding, who seems to know just what to say and do to help me move on.

With respect to memory, I'm not sure that I've moved much from the place of memory fragments. I do have more wholistic memories for some incidents, and I have more partial, video-like memories that are more isolated (e.g. can't really identify how old I am, or where it's taking place). And I do find that talking about it out loud (and I can also remember more when I journal) typically leads to greater memory, either then or later. I've also seen this in the people I work with too-- sometimes it seems like talking about one memory leads to another and to another, and they are not necessarily linked in any linear or obvious way-- they are kind of like a magician's scarf. It has generally been my experience that memory is like a muscle that can be exercised to become stronger-- but I don't think that too many CSA victims have complete recall. But better recall is definitely a bonus from talking about it outloud.

Most of all, the talking out loud takes its power or it punch away, and I feel like a part of me has returned to me, that in the telling I have made whatever shame or blame or yuckiness or other bad feelings attach to the perpetrator, and back off from me. It just seems so obvious when I say it out loud that he is the rotten one, not me. No idea why it works that way.

Hope some of this rambling was helpful,
Anne