This is my first post. I have been reading for about a week, and I like you people. For my introduction I will tell a brief story. And, for the most part I am a traditional bp but with one lucky exception: somehow I found a partner who has stuck with me since 1995. That information was necessary for telling the story. I like the color green. A long time ago, my partner and my then teenaged son were waiting for me when I got home. They were sitting together at the table looking serious and concerned. Usually they never spent time together, but on this occasion I was greeted by the two of them and they asked me to sit down so they could tell me something. To cut to the chase, they had unloaded the dishwasher and discovered that my green plastic plate had cracked. It was not a family heirloom; it was just my color. They felt they needed to tell me what had happened very carefully and with both of them there for support. Thinking back on this, I realize now that those close to me are on constant alert. They know the meaning of the phrase "walking on eggshells" all too well. Yes, I guess one could say I have bpd. Flash forward to 2012. I am seeking help in the middle of the night because, after about a year of "remission" with the help of a great therapist, I have had several new diagnoses that have sent me into a severely depressed relapse. One of the new problems is chronic severe pain, and my doctors have so far not made progress into the cause or the treatment. One thing that has always been a lifesaver for me is that I am lucky. I am lucky to have a long-term partner who endures the way I treat him, and I am lucky that I have a job I love dearly. Now the job is in jeopardy because I am in so much pain that I can't do my work. Physical pain in several parts of my body--mostly my feet, head, and hands--that is so severe I can't think. I am typing with the two fingers that hurt the least. I am supposed to be writing an assignment for my students at the university. Before this new semester began, I was supposed to be writing a syllabus. Instead, I spent time on the computer reading about the lives of the members of this community. I am in so much physical pain that I lashed out at my therapist and regressed to clinging behaviors with her; of course now I am certain she hates me and is going to kick me out of therapy when she gets back from vacation. My doctors can't solve this so they hate to see me coming and refer me to other doctors. I go to teach my classes but I hobble in pain in the corridors and I am behind already on writing their assignments and planning class lectures. I hurt so badly that I cannot focus on writing a simple assignment and I stay up almost all night trying. If the doctors can't figure this out and treat it soon, I may lose or have to give up my job. There are three things that make life worth living for me; my job is one of those three. If I can no longer do my job I don't know what will become of me. In September I was diagnosed with a progressive eye disease that will lead to blindness. Even that didn't stop me from teaching and enjoying my job and doing it well. With the blindness prognosis, I still had hope, and I brainstormed ways that I could continue to do my job despite the handicap. But this terrible, agonizing pain has just about got me beat. I have been depressed since I was 7; began the SI when I was 10. I am 48 now, so that means I have survived a lot. I was feeling a little confident that I was strong and could survive just about anything. But this constant and torturous pain is insane. Nothing helps it--medication, ignoring it, exercise, etc. And people get tired of the whining, you know? So I feel I am losing my support system; they have been good to me but now are at a loss, and tired of me. It must seem to them that helping and supporting me is fruitless so I don't blame them. I don't know what to do, and I don't have an assignment prepared for tomorrow, and I can't get up early to do it because that is when my vision is the worst and my R.A. is worse in the mornings, too. I have multiple chronic conditions, and R.A. is painful enough and this new pain is ridiculous. I don't know if anyone here can help me, and it's OK if you can't or don't want to. I just thought I might feel better from reaching out to strangers since those who know me are burnt out. Thanks.