I put a trigger on this- Due to How I do describe some things I can see some seeing it as Reminiscing the drugs past, as a person that still craves- I can see how it could trigger someone in away...
Just a warning - ok??
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Now I tend to stay away from the addiction form due to it seems like not many understand me and I get upset with no validation on it from others and feeling alone with something that is simi a wound still for me- But i will try again, but this time on more of another subject as well that has drugs intertwined with it.
Here recently I have been thinking partially on inner child and if with drugs at some points in me (besides the addiction to the mental high/physical and break away from reality, etc.), if some where i was trying to find my inner child since I did not have much of a child hood and had to grow up fast and worked basically my childhood and now as adult i do the same.
- And Maybe this does not belong in the addiction section; but I am initially posting it there due to it does have to do with part of addiction that I believe was for me when I was heavy into hard drugs.
I started to think on this when someone mentioned to hug my inner child along with some one mentioned drugs in the same thread which I was thinking all over the place-
With Inner Child Hugging- I have such a hard time imagining things with certain topics- This is one of them.
Some how some of my drug memories came up- and I remembered just having fun, blowing my mind, while on drugs and doing stupid things (not to say the with draws were fun but while ON the drugs). Even ecstasy that has such a high thing of sex attached to it (i never did so I can't say for that) But not everyone is that way- you would not see good old Beauflow kissing and making out getting ready to do whatever,- you would see her under the black light with the glow in the dark paint painting the floor, herself, others around her, and just having fun with it.
Or you may see her outside watching the stars. Or giving and receiving head rubs
I know for some of you - this may seem like I am reminesing in the past of drug use- Perhaps a little but the thing with me is realizing - wait a tic- i did not have the same motivations as others did while on drugs.
Even on cocaine- I just wanted to be numb, free of issues bothering me as an young adult and perhaps the issues that still reside in me today (most diffidently)
Now Meth- i can disagree with inner child searching for me-- well partially- that drug for me was more of the rebellion Teenager-- Tid Bit on me- I followed rules and did what others told me and did not stand up until about 16, and really when I was 17-18. Meth the few things I remember on that for me, was the attitude of - You Push Me- I will push you Back- Don't mess with me Persona Beauflow... TBH Meth I don't remember much and I guess I was really "crazy" on it as in, Talking to myself, talking to imaginary people, and seeing things that others did not (guess it made me slightly schizophrenic if that makes sense) I remember hallucinating transparent people which scared the poo out of me.
But the other drugs- and marijuana I think I can honestly say- I think part of me wanted that "no adult responsibility"/trying to find that inner child as some call it. And the drugs gave me that escape, along to the more deeper escape of issues, that I am trying to deal with these days.
*Frogot to mention these: I am not sure about shrooms and acid-- shrooms possibility but I remember not so happy things on them as well-- But then out of it and discovering everything as new thing in ways- Like a child would i suppose......- Acid was like I went back to a child of not being able to speak but just following people around and being really oblivious of things- and alone, well acid was the one drug that made me think and sort of snap out of it saying- what am I doing- this also talking to a older friend that was an addict to crack, while I was on acid, and having a deep convo with him about how many issues he has contributed to his drug use.... But that was also towards to end of my rein of drugs.
I just was pondering on that- -- has anyone else..
the sad part is I have a mixture of music and some of it i use to listen to when messed up (I have friends that were addicts with me that can not listen to the songs at all- I only get that some days, A lot of days It can pop up a memory and I get all happy, but realize that life is chaotic-- Guess today I was trying to find the meaning of why I get so happy, why i am not like my past drug addict friends of not able to listen, but at times it just makes me feel better).... perhaps I did not attach such a drug reference as they did with the music, and just still enjoy the music? But that is beside the point here I guess.... sorry for getting off the topic.
But trying to find a inner child through drugs- does any one think that may be possible for some-- here recently i have been thinking on that; and I do believe it is not a very good way to try to do that, (incase any of the wonders that mis read my words wonder that) to just clarify.
I am not sure about any others, but I also intentionally tried to over dose several times on drugs-- Did not get the job done, but I tried; some times I wonder if this deep down inside me of not finding that inner child or not doing it the right way and just damaging myself more with addiction, PLUS THE DESTRUCTIVE LIFE and in ways re-traumatizing me with some of the emotional relationships with friends and family while on drugs; all had to intertwine with that.
I just thought I would share- I will try hard not to take it personally if no one else understands-
Be well all and have a wonderful growing experience.
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Also I wanted to add-- the child thing with out the intoxication. I have been trying over the years to do things that may hit this for me. My boyfriend and I can be like kids at times,
I am blessed to have someone to be silly with.
Also I do try to still do creative things like art (from painting to this tissue project with glossy medium that i do that is awesome), and as I mentioned in the things I did right the other day- I made some jewelery one was a very kiddish/teenager thing with bright pink stars and cool blue and black beads, and the other more mellow colors that I could wear at work.
BUT after all this is not hugging my inner child and saying things are ok-- but I think perhaps it does help with the inner child stuff... maybe?