Hi there Aveda12,

I've been with my current bf for 3 years. He likes to give and receive. After telling him to slow down when he would give, I was actually okay enough to enjoy it but I think it's unnecessary. I give and receive just because he likes to do both. This has been an issue for over a year, the fact that I do it just for him. He tells me he can go without receiving and I feel relieved, but then he asks for it again later.

hmm....I'm thinkin sex is a holy thing...not in the religous sense, but in the sense that its not just something you do and thats it; I don't think you should have to do anything you're not comfortable with. I'm in a lesbian relationship-I get anxiety when my partner goes down on me. And she doesn't like insertion. I think stuff like this needs to be respected. My partner really likes to go down on me, but because I expresed my dislike of it, she wouldn't. That really, really, helped me bond and trust with her. I think if you are forcing yourself to do something you don't want to, it will build resentment over time.

I wanted to mention to that I think it is awesome that you are even able to bring up what you like and don't like-sometimes this can be such a hard step if you have experienced abuse.

I know he can't make me like it. I don't think my views are going to change but I hate worrying whether or not he's going to ask to give/receive oral, or if I should just get it over with everytime we start to get intimate.

That is sooooo wrong yo! This relationship sounds abusive, actually. Sex is suposed to bring you closer, not make you worry. There are some things I wish I could do with my partner. She doesn't want me to though. So I don't- because I want her to have fun when we are intimate.

He's more adventurous in sex than I am and I've led a sheltered life so things just shock me.

I came from a really religous household, and am still dealing with guilt with sex and alla that-point is, my partner doesn't make me do anything I am not ready for. You have a right to take things at your own pace. It really sounds like your bf has his own motivations?

I'm also pretty sure he's over the fact that I don't care for orgasms. It used to bug me after everytime we had sex that he would ask if I had one or how was it. I've NEVER felt our sex was was bad or boring. I'm happy and I'm simple, I don't need much to get by. I always tell him how much I ejoy it but he has low self-esteem/depression. I just wish we wouldn't have to keep talking about why I don't like it, what it means to him. I want us to accept how we each feel about it, but that doesn't solve if oral should still be part of our relationship. What are we supposed to do?

Are you worried that if you don't go along with him that he will break up with you?

I know we're not supposed to take sides, see things right/wrong, your way/my way. I don't know what else to do.[/quote]

I try not to give advice, just ask questions, but in this case I'm feeling a strong urgency to make sure that I mention that if you are doing something sexually that you don't want to do, then you're bf isnt listening to you-I'm thinkin that this will cause some deep severs in your relationship. Sure we want to make our significant other happy, but if we do it at the cost of ourselves, then the relationship becomes a one-way street. If you don't want it, it shouldn't happen.

I'm sorry that your bf doesn't respect you, it can be so hard to hold boundries too. You really don't have to do anything you don't want to do-if you have been abused in the past, it can be really difficult to be able to say no though.

"I've wondered if we're sexually incompatible before. I really like him though and I don't want to bother trying to be with anyone else. I figure no one else will be as patient with me. I've never felt as comfortable with anyone else as i have with him and Ive confided in him like I'd never thought I'd confide in anyone."

omg yo! Your boyfriend is NOT patient! Patience is not saying its okay that you don't want to give, then asking for it later. Patience is not digging constanly about orgasming, when you are just enjoying it in general... patience is also not just letting him give you oral or you giving it to him just to "get it over with".

"I figure no one else will be as patient with me."

o0. Dude he is bare minimum and empty promises of respecting you! Oye I'm sorry, this is likely a lot to digest...but holy crap you deserve someone who will listen. I hope you keep talking about this-I feel you could get to a point where you will be able to demand so much more for yourself...its a process though. Have you ever been to counseling? The outer body experience, as someone mentioned earlier, is dissociation....not good yo. You are not enjoying it if your mind has to escape the body..its also an SA symptom;

I really hope either your bf starts listening to you, or you are able to find someone that will-SA can make you self-savotage a lot...just simply not good at all-I feel your bf is recreating the abuse by not respecting your preferences.

oye, I'm sorry if any of this overwhelmed you-was a lot.

Take care,
-obj