Sometimes maybe being able to show t you're upset is better than not being able to show any feelings at all? I'm not sure. i hope so since that's what I showed my t last time.

I liked this part of what you said best
"T also explained to me that in order for therapy to work I needed to find a way to let go of this thing I am doing where I am trying to push him away. This may be the hardest thing I do in therapy. I have moments where I don't even want to change this behavior. I see the need to change it, so I still have a little bit of hope."