Thanks Beauflow. I do want validation. I just want someone to hear me, say wow, that's f***ed up, and hear that I'm still struggling. When my husband and I first started dating, I shared the assault with him. Later, he talked to his mom about it, and his mom asked him if he knew I wasn't making it up. Something about that really stung, even though she hadn't met me yet. I ended up pulling out the police report and a few of my subpoenas just to say "yeah, this really happened." My family has never acknowledged that anything happened, even though my mom was in the courtroom when the verdict was read. My dad can't deal with the fact that this happened to his baby girl, so I don't think he thought about it past the night it happened. My mom just doesn't like to talk with me.

Wow, I sound whiny. What I mean to say, is that I haven't felt validated by anyone that I truly care about. I even taught a Bible class about sexual abuse, sharing my story, and I also shared with the parents of a girl who was raped and murdered. I thought maybe by helping them, it would help me, but it almost felt like a step backwards because I just had to keep answering questions about how unresolved the whole thing is. And I don't know what would make that go away. I have spent significant time researching, googling, trying to trace my abuser. All that I have found is that a year ago, Interpol took him off their site. He had been red flagged but I guess more international criminals came around so he was removed. That sucks. Cuz now they aren't even looking for him.