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ThePainNeverDies · 06:39 PM

I know I've not been around much and I apologise for that, but I needed some time away because I was trying to heal. Turns out I need this place more than ever now.

I'm finding it so hard to do anything but cry lately. If I'm not crying, I'm shaking with all the pent up emotion and with anxiety. I had a massage yesterday to get rid of a huge knot in my shoulder. It was massive. I only had to lie down and I'd yelp in pain. My massage therapist was amazing, he did an excellent job of it. He allllllllways does - absolute gem he is. But now, the damn thing's back already! It stings and it burns like a beast of a thing - it's horrid and I hate it It is SO painful.

But moreso than the shoulder pain, I'm feeling a hell of a lot of pain inside. My heart aches, my head hurts, my soul feels like it's falling to pieces. I feel like David (my Fiance) doesn't love me anymore, like he doesn't find me attractive anymore, like he doesn't even want to look at me, let alone touch me. I feel like I'm just stuck here. Little ol' me all on my own to deal with this ALONE. As I always have. But right now, I can't deal with it alone. I'm slipping back to the darker places again and if I slip anymore, I'll end up cutting and attempting suicide again. I DON'T want to go back to that. Ever. It's just not how I cope anymore. But I really don't know how I DO cope... I've never known how I get through the worst situations. I guess more than anything I just squish it all down inside in the hope that somehow it will just 'disappear'...

It NEVER works that way and I know I have to deal with this stuff, but this year, as much as it's a new, more positive year... It's a new, more difficult year. Because it's the year that symbolises 20 years since my Dad committed suicide and 10 years since my Foster Dad lost his battle to cancer. It will be 3 years since I lost a close friend and 2 years since I lost my best friend. It will also be 5 years since I was kicked out of my Adoptive home, strangled, slapped and pushed out of the door like I was a castaway and nothing more.

I try so, SO hard to keep on top of everything and to support everyone in my life like they want/need me to, but like I said - I'm struggling more than ever to hold on right now and I can't do it. I can't help anyone like I used to, I can't even deal with one person who ALWAYS has a problem, every single day a new problem, saying that he has a problem. I can't even listen to what peoples' woes are because I just sit there thinking 'I just want to die right now. I simply do not deserve to be here, listening to this person, trying to help them and failing. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot hold on any longer.'

There's a part of me that always glimmers hope, shines it in front of my eyes and begs me to please just keep going, please try again, please work it out, PLEASE DON'T DIE!!!!!! I don't know what that part is and I don't know WHY it keeps forcing me to suffer through this and just keep scrabbling around for something it seems will never be there!!!

I feel unloved, unwanted, uncared for, not listened to, not understood. It doesn't help that my other thread was completely pushed aside and ignored. Ok, I get I haven't been here for a while and I get I haven't supported many , but I'm trying my best and I'm sorry for not being around.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to do it and I don't know why I even SHOULD do it. Give me a reason? I just want to give in to all this. I've suffered for too long. Help?