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This was the very last post in my list and would have been gone if I had posted one more, glad I caught it.
A few threads in this forum have had me thinking a lot... It's really hard when you have an abuser that you don't think, or want to have been, an abuser. I don't want to aknowledge it but perhaps I should...
Dear abuser;
It's hard to start this letter this way. It's hard to see the things that were done as abuse because really, we were all we had. I was so young. The age difference wasn't that big so it makes things that much harder. But you knew more than I, or did you?
What do I do? You were just a child. I can not hate someone for what they did as a child, but I was an even smaller child. Eight and five is a big difference. Nine and six is a big difference. I did not understand what was being done.
I needed someone. With mom working 4 jobs, I needed a friend. I tried. I begged you two to be my friend, I even paid you to. The only way I was accepted is if I allowed the abuse. I was abused by both of you in much different ways. The pain hurts worse from you.
My bruises healed over the years, the cuts and bumps faded with time. My emotional scars eat away at me, I still feel them sting and burn. Why couldn't you just hit me like the other one did?
Times have changed, your life is following that of our fathers. This abuse has eaten away at you as well, I can see it. But I can see that it's fighting to continue the abuse that is eating you. At least you are trying.
I need so bad to believe that you are a good kind person. You have tried to help me so much. You have given me great advice and you have protected me. But there are scars. We may not talk of them now. We may never talk of them. I hope we do not. But they are there. You have distanced yourself over the years and I have not tried to keep you close. I can not. I let you have your distance and I will give you even more. The face reminds me too much, the looks have never changed.
The memories are too much... I must hide from them. It's taken me 20 years to be able to see this for what it was. It's taken me 20 years to accept the ways you were, and it will take another 20 to heal from this. Only now have I been able to finally begin to surface this.
Did you abuse me or were you playing a game? The questions spin around and around in my head. You did not intend to hurt me, but you knew it was wrong. You knew. I did not. Where does that leave me? What does that make you?
I can take no more. You will always be treasured for being who you are, but I can no longer look into your eyes and pretend nothing ever happened.
You hurt me. You never said "I'm sorry".
__________________
I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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