Quote:
Originally Posted by perniciousfirefly
Hiya, ive read so many posts and i wish ya all wa well. im struggling, been out hospital after 13 months for past few months. having good days and bad. but i stopped self harming for coupld weeks, and have gone and blood let tonight, ontop of taking diazepam overdose, and amphetamines. my eating disorders are rearing their head and i am becoming unstable again. im scared of what im capable of. ive met the greatest guy who accepts me, but im gunna push him away.
i cant imagine life without behaviours that i do, and dont know what to do, if i stop one another one escalates. but ive done things since i was a child, and my alcohol abuse is high at the moment, ive done a lot of damage to my oesophagus wiv that and many years of bulimia and overdoses.x
hope someone can relate as i feel so alone and scared  |
yeh sure...I relate to the substance abuse, the self harm, the becoming unstable/being unstable and in particular being afraid of what you are capable of.
I will tell you immediately that the last one there is made so much worse by the drugs and the alcohol...and especially...gonna say that again!, and especially when mixing uppers and downers. The mind cannot cope with the contradiction!
I'm not gonna give you a hard time about it pernicious'...because I know what it's like when getting off the face is a priority and seems the best and the only way to cope...and it's hard to have a good boyfriend or girlfriend because they will interfere with the using!
I did what you are doing for many years and I hope it doesn't take you that long to find a happier way for you. I don't know whats available in England, but I hit the rehabs when I was as unwell as you seem to be at the moment. I don't know, sometimes that can make things worse but if there was somewhere that you could be cared for for a bit until you stabilise. I mean...your poor mind and body.
Hang in there for now...I hope you have a safe place to stay and come down quietly, please try not to keep using...you are not yourself, try to get clean and GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE!
I don't even know you but am worried for you...try to know that your really awful thoughts are caused by the speed and the drinks right now, and is there anyone who doesn't judge you that can be with you or just talk.
The fear you have is a good sign...it's a signal that you actually do care about yourself... and pernicious!, you are not alone in going through this part of your life. It sounds as though you have just about had enough of what you are doing to yourself...I really hope you remember this after everything is out of your system.
I hope I haven't been insensitive...it's sometimes difficult to know how to word things.
It's time to be kind to you...just get through this night ok.
DB