I haven't been here for ages. Seems to be a habit of mine to dissappear and then burst in when I'm in a bad way.

Some news, I have moved into emergency housing at a halfway house for people with mental illness -supposedly to help them get back on track and move on with life.

I hate it here, how is being around other people like me (and much worse than me) supposed to make me feel better? I feel worse,every day I feel worse.

I think about darkness constantly, I don't want to be here. The old fantasies of being in an accident bad enough to land me in hospital are back again. I fantasise about others causing the damage because at least my family and friends can blame the other person and it won't be my fault. Guiltless.

I am tired. My body is slowly disintegrating because of my genetic disorder. My friends seem to have abandoned me. I wish I could visit them but this halfway house is in an awkward spot so it's hard for me to visit my friends. forget about anyone visiting me, noone seemsto want to come out to the middle of nowhere - even though I make the effort for them.

I hate being angry with other people, if only I tried harder, if only I got off my bum and got a job and pretended my body and my mind weren't in constant pain. I am weak.