I have been thinking about this post since I started it. The last few nights I have been working overnights and have a lot of time to think about it. I ended up emailing my T at like 3 or 4 am, exactly what I have been thinking about this subject. I am a little unsure about it now. My guard was super down when I sent it because I was SO tired. He didn't respond to it today. Which it totally fine because I don't NEED a response, but now I am wondering if I said too much. Here's what I sent him...

"I feel like I will never be able to talk you about the abuse. It will never be safe to tell any one. As much as I need to talk about it, I can't. I can put together what happened in my head, but I dont think I can bring myself to actually say it outloud. Im too ashamed, I don't want to say the horrible stuff that happened. I dont want to even acknowledge it happened. Then maybe I can keep pretending it didn't. But if I tell you...it makes it real. Just typing this makes my heart is beat faster. Its all to gross and nasty and dirty and I dont want to expose you to that. I don't want to be looked at different. I hate myself enough already for everyone. Maybe I should just lie to myself for the rest of my life? Maybe if I do it enough this will go away for good? I feel guilty for just talking about, wanting to talk about the abuse. I feel like I shouldnt be trying to share this with anyone. That no one deserves to have to listen to me talk about it. That by telling you, it makes me a bad person. Some how it feels like I'd be contaminating you with my "bad" just by telling you. Maybe I'm just trying to protect you from me, and my horrible past. Im scared about your reaction more than anything. Im scared that by telling you our relationship will change. I'm scared you will hate me. Im comfortable with you now, and if I tell you maybe I'll be too scared to ever talk to you again. Or even worse maybe you will never want to have another session ever again. BUT...just maybe it will be okay? I need to get this out. I need to know if its safe?"

...what do you guys think? Did I say too much? I'm open to any input.