Quote:
Originally Posted by summeryoga
you made me weep, athena. this is my story ... to a tee (but mixed in with physical and sexual abuse from the men in my life as well). yes, this is me. i am 37, and the rage still persists. more rage towards my mother than anyone else, in fact. all i can hold on to is, as a mother, to NOT be my mother ... to love my children so wholly and unconditionally that they never once have to feel unloveable or unprotected or unworthy. because now my children look to me with that same now-defunct love that i once looked to my mother with. and so i owe it to them to be a phenomenal mother. that is my way of dealing with the rage.
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I have tried to do the opposite of my mother too. But I have been subjected to an ongoing trauma for the past four years due to my ex's threats to essentially bury me financially and/or take the kids. That means whatever steps I make in trying to be a seemingly happy, stable mother get knocked back a couple of steps by e-mails from his lawyer. When I ask about his demands to his face, he denies it, presumably because he doesn't have the balls to make them to my face. Never seen anybody so spineless.
I see the effect my rage has on my kids. I've managed to control it for the past few days in spite of some recent traumas (threats). My oldest appreciates it. My youngest is hot and cold. It scares me. It's like I can see she is torn between believing me to be genuinely loving versus not trusting me and keeping her distance. It is heartbreaking. But all I can do is try to be consistently gentle and understanding with her. Unfortunately she is aware of my SI and my too frequent wish to be dead. She told me she thinks I don't love her when I am like that. I didn't make that connection. I can see it now - why get close to somebody who may not stick around? It is so sad that I made her feel like that. I was never like that before the threats from her Dad started.
I realized early on in therapy that nobody can help me deal with this 'wimp from he**'. I couldn't talk about it in therapy anymore, it just drove me even more insane. So I figured, why not delve into the reasons why I married the guy and make sure it never ever ever happens again. That's when I reopened old wounds from the past. Not great timing layering that on top of divorce proceedings but this is the first time since I was 16 that I have not worked so it may be my only opportunity to deal with those issues. Same old story everywhere - Mom issues - guy issues.