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Jan 14, 2012, 06:01 PM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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Well so far I have told him exactly how it is, told him to leave me alone because I need time to heal and to look after myself again. I did this with him last year and he accepted where he had gone wrong. But this time he realy doesn't seem to even see it, let alone accept it.
So last night, after his last message I ignored him. Twice. I just left his messages with no replies. Then he sent me another message not so long ago saying hey how are you and I seriously just wanted to scream. It's not just him that doesn't listen to me, but the fact that he is OBVIOUSLY not even considering what I'm saying, not listening one bit, makes me so angry! It makes me feel like maybe my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings aren't even worth thinking about, talking about, even acknowledging at all.
Everyone thinks I'm fine and dandy today, like everything's just blown over and gone away "awww she's alright now, she just needed a rant and a cry and now she's okay, she can take more dumping from us" But I can't. I CAN'T! 
I wish that everything HAD just blown over and I WAS okay and just able to move on and get on with everything. I was able to do that during today's shoot, but now I'm back to where I was.
All I want to do right now is give in, give up. Just STOP. I don't know how else to do that, apart from to do what I used to do 16 months ago and I think we all know what that was. I'm such a mess at the moment, but I'm hiding it for everyone elses benefit. I'm scaring myself so badly, I haven't thought like this in over a year - why now? Just because I miss my Daddy? How childish of me..
I know I'm messing things up again, I know it. Maybe I'm just being ungrateful and not seeing what I actually DO have. Maybe I'm just a horrible, evil, nasty cow who needs to shut up and accept that I'm better off than some people. Maybe I just need to stop whinging and leave everyone to their own devices.
I don't know. More than anything right now, I feel abandoned. But at the same time I feel like being abandoned is all I deserve right now. In fact, to me it IS what I deserve, definitely. Because I'm nothing but a waste of space, time and energy. I don't deserve to be here at all. Right?
I'm stuck. Really stuck. I don't know what on Earth to do.
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