Back story: I gained a lot of weight from being on my medications, and it made me really uncomfortable and eventually slip into a pattern of disordered eating and starving myself in order to lose weight. No matter what anyone told me about how unhealthy it was and how there are better ways to lose weight etc. I was so set on it that nothing was going to stop me. My therapist and I worked on it a lot, and my psychiatrist changed my medications and fairly recently I got back into a pattern of pretty normal eating.

Jump to yesterday: I went to a ball pilates class and it made me feel absolutely terrible about myself. I kept thinking how out of shape I am even though I have been exercising some (not as much as I would like but I was really depressed for a good chunk of time pretty recently) and also how fat I was since I could see myself in the mirror. Without any thought or real decision my brain automatically went into restriction mode and I restricted my food intake a ton, and a huge chunk of that is that even looking at food made my stomach churn, probably because I'm associating eating with gaining weight and I desperately want to lose weight.

Then today I ran into my God brother at the store and he made a comment about how I've put some meat on my bones and that didn't help any. I've spent the rest of the day thinking about how much of a cow I am and how other people can see it to. And once again, major restriction and stomach churning reaction to food.

I'm scared of where I'm heading. Even though I've had body image issues before, it's never been this bad.