I had a breakdown early in 2010. It was the most horrible time of my life. After that i met a guy (i am in a same sex marriage in south africa) and we were married in June 2011. It was incredible in the first couple of months, but he beat me up 3 times, became abusive verbally and quit his job. All he does is obsess about gym and gives me hell if i don't pay for it. I pay for everything. I have been on Wellbutrin (450 mg a day), Lamator (200 mg a day). This past Wed we had a huge argument i told him to get his *** out of bed and find a job coz i cannot pay the cars, food, rent, bills etc anymore. We said awful things to each other. I told him to pack his bags and leave, he called me a ***** blah blah. We agreed to go for marriage counseling which starts next week. However the worst depression has been triggered in me again. This morning he says i told him i wish he were dead. While i could never say something so horrible I'm suddenly thinking...what if i did and don't remember. I am just not a good person. The last person i wished would die was my stepfather...and a couple months later he did. He abused me for years and i hated him...