"important that I know these things" Wow did that bring back memories. My mother has serious boundary issues to and I know more about my father and my parents marriage than any child should know.
They don't see what they do or say and I dont know why. It has taken me years to get to a place where I can deal with my mom. First I avoided her all I could but that only made it worse because when I was around she had alot saved up for me. Then I started getting angry. Tired of the crap. I told her how I felt but she didnt get it. I dont get that. Most of my brothers avoid her so as not to deal with her but I pride myself in learning how to actually deal with her. It isn't easy. I decided what my boundaries were. What I was willing to listen to and to talk about. Then when she crossed those boundaries I told her that I didn't want to know, that I am her daughter and I dont need to know that. Whats between you and dad is not something I should have to deal with as I am your daughter, go talk to a friend. She persisted in crossng the line but the harder she pushed the firmer I stood. There are times when I have told my mother to shut up which I am not proud of but sometimes it is the only way to make her stop. Over the years it has gottne better. She talks about my dad but I dont respond and when I dont respond she will most of the time give up.
I dont know if this helps but this is what I have done. It's not easy and it really isnt fair to you. I have had to accept that my mother will not change but I can change the way I react and choose how I handle it.
Heidu