You are really courageous and brave to talk about this on here and with your therapist. Way to go taking risks to get help and be vulnerable! Those things most of us with BPD struggle to do.
I have thought about this issue some in my own life. I was a tom-boy growing up with one older brother and younger sister. My dad hated women and so when I came along, I don't think he knew how to deal with a woman he wasn't trying to sexually seduce (like my mom) or who didn't have power over him (his mother, also BPD). Because of all the messages in my family (overt and covert) about being female, I think I developed a fear of being female myself. I saw it as either being controlled like my mother was--she never stood up to my dad. Or being sexually dominated and humilated (all women my dad had affairs with and commented on in public). Or you were just a mean old lady like my grandma.
I wonder if you could look at what you think are positives/negatives about being a girl and being a boy. That might give you some insight into what the discomfort is. Maybe not. Just a suggestion.
Take courage!
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Originally Posted by funyen
It feels good to know that someone feels the same way. I just brought it up with my therapist on Thursday. I emailed her about it a few days before because I knew it would be easier than just coming out and saying it. She said "Let's talk about your email about you wanting to be a boy" and I immediately said "No, that's not what it is. It's not that I want to become a boy. I just don't feel right being a girl". But the more I think about it, the more confused I get. I keep thinking that maybe I'm supposed to be a boy. I think I keep saying "I don't want to become a boy" because I would have to switch therapists. My therapist doesn't work with people who are having surgery, transitioning, etc., because she says it's more psychological. She did say she works with people pre- and post-surgery. I'm about 80% sure I don't want surgery, but 20% is a big number and makes it a lot more confusing.
Since I told my therapist a few days ago, I've dressed more boy-ish and I've been a lot more comfortable that way. Like you said, I've always felt like a fake when I have to wear revealing clothes (I wore a dress to my cousin's wedding last summer and it was torture). I've never felt comfortable in my skin, either. And I prefer when people shorten my name to Nick (my name is Nicole). But I'm scared and ashamed and embarrassed. I feel like I have to dress and act like a girl because I'm physically a girl. But inside...I don't know if I am.
It was one of the most shameful things to bring up in therapy for me, too. It was the hardest thing I've ever talked about. I just keep telling myself that the secret I've kept hidden for 14 years is out to the only person I trust. Even though it's uncomfortable to talk about, I'm comfortable talking to HER about it. I can't tell you what to do (whether to tell your therapist about it or not), but at least you'll be able to talk about it.
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