So, I just don't post much anymore and feel a little funny still starting a thread for support (I wish I felt able to give more like I used to, but.....) but anyway some big things are happening for me now that are bringing up intense emotion that is just hard for me to handle....
I have been away from home for several months (won't go into all the story though some of you may remember my suicidal summer, the multiple hospitalizations, etc.....). For a while my H threatened divorce, but he has softened a lot and been very kind for a while now .... he really wants me to come home. My T says a lot of things need to be in place before I go back permanently, like a new T, med provider, etc ....... she's told him this, too. And it's just not yet .....
Anyway, H called T last week and told her he had this Monday off, so he wanted to come get me and take me home! I wasn't sure I wanted to do that at all, but T said I can think of it as a trial visit and stay a few days and see how it goes. In one way I think it will be good to see my kids and good friends there ....... but in another I am so scared. The house there doesn't feel like my home so much, and it was where I went through hell, and I do not know what to expect really from H ..... I'm afraid he will be disappointed and upset to know how much I really still struggle. But I'm going to try going home anyway.....
And while I am there, I may get a closure session with exT .... my current T has talked to her and she is agreeable. Current T thinks it's necessary for me to have that time with exT to just talk about what happened, why it happened, how things ended, get some answers ....... in one way I want to see old T one more time and try to clear up the lingering ?s and hurts, but I'm also afraid it may add hurt. Not that I think she will not be kind, because I know she will be and wants to do this right, just that it will hurt to see her, because I really did (do) love her way way intense ..... this T thinks there was some serious transference/countertransference stuff going on, too, and it really just does need closure .......
I think some abandonment issues have gotten triggered because of the real possibility I will have to leave this T too before I'm done/the work is done and have to start over again ..... I'm attached to her too, but not in an emotionally deep way as with exT, but still I really like/trust her and want to stay with her and finish the work we've begun instead of trying to begin all over! Attachment/abandonment issues suck!
Guess one thing I want to know is how have closure sessions gone for others of you; how have you handled losing a T (or 2) without the sense that it was time for it to end?
Thanks!