Yeah, when I used to go to the old T, I could only just barely manage to shower myself once a week. She was worried about that. Now, I can only manage to do it once every 3 or so weeks. So technically I CAN shower myself, just once in a blue moon. To me this is as bad as if I couldn't do it at all. Nothing has changed since then - well the only thing is that my depression is worse. But other than that, no.

I think I still have negative feelings now, whereas before there was none. I think I got stuck with the negative feelings from that last T and now I can't switch it off. Maybe that's why my depression is worse. No idea. But apparently (my current T tells me) i have to just "sit with the feelings" and that is how this is treated. But I have been sitting with them for almost 3 years now..... what happens next? Should something have happened by now? I asked my T but she couldn't answer that one and I cant find any answers anywhere for that question. I have searched everywhere. I am sick and tired of sitting with these feelings. 3 years is enough!!!

That's what I have been thinking about what is said in the therapy sessions but i'm not sure what I should be aiming for here. I think about it but it serves no purpose because although I understand it, nothing changes. ANd it is not the sort of stuff I can say "oh well ok I will act a different way and see how that goes" and try stuff out like that. Its all stuff about the past where it is nice to understand it but it doesn't facilitate my recovery in any way. So maybe i am thinking about things wrongly. Maybe the idea is not to just understand it, but to do something else. WHat could it be?

And yes I am 100% serious about ECT. Its like they say in that movie "Desperation is a stinky cologne". It is very stinky indeed.

I am sitting here right now and my kitchen is full to the brim with about 3 months worth of dirty dishes and what not, all absolutely covered in mould, the place REEKS and there are bugs all over the place. And I sit here powerless to do anything about it. It seems such an easy concept to just get up and clean it but I cannot even manage that. I just want to go in there and smash everything to bits. I have a big urge to do that. I have been fighting this urge for a long time but I am getting towards the stage of saying "Fk it" and just going in there and thrashing everything to smithereens. You know what they say about people who have nothing to lose.