It might help to know that many of us do all sorts of self-abusive things because it makes us feel something different from the rottenness we have inside making us hurt. I have been through all the behaviors you describe, and I just kept trying to get people to help me. I kept seeing therapists and just would not give up on myself. 13 months out of the hospital is really great; have you asked yourself or do you know why the self abuse started up again? If you need to, get back in the hospital--whatever you need to do, just keep trying. Some of the things you are mixing could become impossible to fix eventually, so please keep asking for help, and as someone said, every day is new! You get to start over each day and be whoever you want to be. Also, I was, and sometimes still am, afraid that if I quit my self medicating behaviors I would lose my identity. If that feels like something you feel then keep telling yourself that you are special whether you drink or not or anything; nothing like that defines you. Reboot each day and define yourself for that day only, day by day. Good luck!