So talking to T today, told her I have made everything up about my mother, and I dont know why. T said ok what have you made up? I said how she was, so T asked me "ok how was she?" I couldn't answer it, then I said I'm sure the cuddly stuff is there I just gotta find it. T said I'm sure if it was there you wouldnt have to look for it. Then I said about how I cuddled up to her once and she told me to stop doing that, and she pulled her body away from me, I told T how bad that made me feel then we sat quite and then I started smiling with a fond memory and T asked what was I smiling at? I said how I use to hold a knife to my mums throat and she would laugh and I felt real close to her then. At this point T put her hand across her mouth, this is her shocked/saddened posture and I realised that perhaps to others what I'd just said sounded shocking, not that I ever saw it like that. After some moments T said, so you could only feel close to your mum by holding a knife to her throat/going to extremes??? and she added "so you haven't been lying about your mother", I said but mum liked it, she use to laugh when I did it,.T said yes because she put all her projected stuff into you about how bad you were and by holding the knife to her throat you were acting out her projections and she liked that.

T asked me if I show my love to my children and husband by holding a knife to their throats? I said no of course not, and she said no exactly. Up until I'd told T this what I thought was nothing stuff I'd not thought about it, infact I was giggling a lot as I was telling her and knew I felt nothing, absolutely nothing, the impact of what I tell T hides itself in humour. I did say that I guess I'll have to stop slicing the throat of old women now? but T was to caught up in what I'd told her. I guess my mum and me were pretty messed up.