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Jan 16, 2012, 04:10 PM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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The thing is, I was so young when my Dad committed suicide, I didn't really understand it. As far as I knew, my Foster Dad was my Dad and then my Adoptive Dad was my Dad. But then it started to get confusing as to why my Foster Dad wasn't my Dad anymore, does that make sense?
I had a complete melt down last night and became hysterical. I spoke to David about how I was feeling and in the end, he said something that struck a chord and got me to say how I was actually feeling. So I said (after taking ages to say it);
"I'd rather kill myself that feel everyday like I should kill myself or should have done it long ago. I'd rather do it than feel as awful, helpless and like the worst person in the World as I do every day."
His face dropped completely and the panic was obvious. He just didn't know what to say or do apart from hug me and then I just lost control and sobbed, howled because I was in such pain, hearing myself say it out loud how I was really feeling, seeing his reaction and feeling so SO stupid and selfish for thinking he didn't care about me at all. Of course he cares... He just has a lot of stress at work, has his own stuff to deal with and isn't really sure how to help me... I understand that now.
But today, as tired as I was (Sleepless nights - insomnia - are/is back), I got through it and actually enjoyed it. David met me from work and as I opened the car door, there sitting on the passenger seat was a big, beautiful bunch of flowers. With pale pink roses, gorgeous foliage and he'd even remembered my favourite flowers and requested them be put into the bouquet - tulips. I melted and a big smile spread across my face. Our friend Hazel was with us and she'd known all along that he'd planned it. She saw my face instantly light up and my heart swell, all the troubles somewhat dissipating. It was so lovely to be met with my favourite flowers and reminded how loved I am and how happy he wants to make me.
It's been a really stressful time, a really tiring, restless, sleepless time for me and I hate lying there in bed feeling so much pain in my heart, feeling my head pound and hearing David sleeping soundly next to me whilst I struggle with myself. I hate lying to him about how I'm really feeling, or keeping it from him, but I just don't want to pile it on him and make him stressed at home... Home is meant to be a place to relax, chill out and feel happier, more comfortable.
I told him exactly how I felt, about being touched, about the little things, about feeling hopeless and like I'm not myself anymore (once again!) I told him that I'm worried I'm losing myself again and that I'm messing everything up. He reminded me how far from the truth that is... New job, modelling career on the up, I'm handling myself better than I was before (not turning to self harm to cope even if it is hard not to), I have more friends, I go out and spend time with people more often, I plan for the future instead of seeing black nothingness and feeling hopeless about it.
I'm still struggling a hell of a lot, I'm really not out of the woods, nowhere near. I still feel almost as bad as I did - the flowers have helped to keep me going. David has also cooked the dinner tonight and is making tomorrow's lunch for me, just to take a few things off my hands because he can see how utterly shattered I am.
I'm so tired and feel so upset, so hurt, so alone with how I feel and what I'm thinking.. A friend thinks maybe I'm suffering with Bipolar Disorder because of how erratic my moods are but she also knows I'm far too good at hiding my own feelings. I'll be seeing my GP and a Pdoc about it because I know I need more help than I'm allowing myself...
So tired 
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