I couldn't fall asleep last night, and when I did, I had horrible dreams.

Part of the last one before waking up was that I was at work (or at least in a work-type setting), and took the receptionist's little grandson into an empty, quiet room to play with him, and ended up molesting him . His grandfather was in the next room and overheard, and told, and I made this big drama about feeling so awful about it, and you know, I was molested too (truth), and this whole Movie of the Week drama about making sure he doesn't carry on the cycle, and how rotten I was, etc.

And THEN, after I put on the scene for the grandmother, I went and told someone it was no big deal.

Somewhere in there, they had brought a kitten along with the grandson, and I ended up ripping off the kitten's left paw.

I don't know where this is coming from (except for the cat -- my sister's ancient cat keeps peeing on all my stuff and I'm annoyed with him), but it left nasty aftereffects and memories and stuff and I feel like crawling back in bed, but I'm afraid I'll fall asleep again and pick up where I left off.

Part of this feeds into one of my deepest fears, one of the biggest reasons I placed my son for adoption 18 years ago -- I didn't want to do to him what had been done to me, and I was afraid I would do it anyway and continue the cycle.

You can say it was only a dream, but I feel like I OD'd or something -- very heavy and emotionally overloaded. I don't know what I expected to get by unloading on you poor people here, but I just needed to get it down, I guess. Sorry.

Candy