I don't have a good memory of when I was really young but when I was older I would say I had the most arguments and got angriest at the family member who I was closest to. I think because it felt safe to show anger to that person and I didn't really trust other people enough to show those negative emotions and yet hiding them didn't help, so then they would probably all be stored up and taken out on the person I did trust.

And from your post I really hear how much it affects you and I hear how much you need your T. I'm relating to the latter very strongly this week too.

I'm the same as you, not knowing how to ask for help....I really need T but make it out the other side in one piece, exhausted and maybe not really in one piece... T tells me I can get in contact when I need to, we discussed this last week, but because I know that no matter how low I get (ROCK bottom) I still just keep on going, on my own, so it doesn't feel okay to contact her. She's away this week and said she'd text me. She might forget and if she does there's no way I'll be bugging her on her week off because I hope she's too busy enjoying life!