I think I understand what you're trying to say dubblemonkey. When the topic of suicide ideations has come up, some talk about it as a security - meaning at least this is an option from suffering...not a good one but when someone is desperate for pain to end, I imagine the thought at least gives some relief. I don't agree or support this idea, since I'm against suicide but I can see where its coming from. You've devoted probably a great deal of thought and time to the idea, so now you have to think of something else.

Maybe you can give "death" or the idea of it a little funeral lol. Write down your feelings and go outside...maybe bury it or light a match to the paper..do this outside though lol. I'm happy you're far away from killing yourself - I lost my brother 4 yrs this April. You can make a new contract for a commitment to living.