To you guy. I quite understand about having mixed feelings about being gay. Those of us that are gay get all sorts of negative messages about it from childhood on. That makes it very understandable your feelings in regards to this. I know I have had mixed feelings all of my life about being gay myself. It even lead to my having a stupid marriage to a man.
All I can say is it gets better when you learn to love yourself and all of the things that make you you. Another thing that may help is having a T that that is either gay themselves or works for a gay counseling service. If you live in a major city this may be fairly easy to find.