My Support Forums - View Single Post - what causes the instability?...interpersonal relationships

Forgive77 · Jan 18, 2012, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

criterea 2: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

So this is a major feature of bpd I reckon. No doubt we have all had or are having some issues with it?
I'm not real sure about it...because it freaks me out I guess, but I was thinking about it today....

I suppose it would never have been a problem if I never got interpersonal to begin with! But over the years I have done....ooops!
So I was thinkin' how did I ever get involved in relationships?, especially considering that when I look back I never really liked anybody I was with?
Then this frightening FACT occurred to me...(yeah, hate them frightening facts!

)

The only requirement for me to have an interpersonal relationship was that the other person liked me!
Someone could ask me..."hey james",..."yeh what",..."how come you like this person?"......"oh...ummm, yeah, because they like ME".
(oh someone likes me....yeh you are moving in tonight!!)

So is this why everything goes chaotic real fast? There is nuthin' else goin on! I wouldn't know if I even liked them for real or not because I'm just high on them liking me!

BUT..what happens if I am not feeling that 'like'..from them?. I suddenly find out just how much I hate them and so do they...find out.

In reality, people cannot be 'liking' all the time...well regular people anyway... and what I would be doing is trying desperately anything to be 'likeable' all the damn time, by 'liking' anything and everything the other person is doing even if it's bad and it's to me!
And I'm doing all this to make damn sure I get 'liked' because I don't 'like' or even know myself. Everything I need has gotta come from them. (keep liking me..please please PLEASE!!)...and also (I need you to like me NOW or I'm gonna turn on you and then myself!!...but always you first and full on!)

This is just setting everything up for a huge let down that will always come because people basically can't be 'liking' that intensely for long! ....and I simply can't control myself when I'm in the hate part of the cycle.

I'm sure there is more to it...but I wondered if this is sort of like the idealization and devaluation thing goin' on that I know I have been doing in every interpersonal relationship since the beginning of time it seems.

This is where your CBT/DBT come in, and you have to think about people as gray and not black and white. I did this with everyone I know....even my husband. I've just had to learn that's the ABCs of him, and that's never going to change no matter how much he makes me nuts at times. In relationships with the opposite sex I've always questioned if I 'really' loved them, and yes most of them started with them liking me too, but that's cause whenever I liked someone they would....well...run...cause I'd be too into them...or because they were just the kind of man that didn't like woman. My husband is awesome, but I do feel abandoned by him at times. Which can make me go into the devaluation part....and on and on and on...this is just when you have to kick in the therapy.