old school,

Looking at this situation from a psychological stand point what often happens, unbeknownst to someone like your wife, is an attachment that happens a lot.

Often many talk about what is called "TRANSFERANCE" for a therapist or even a teacher or some kind of mentor figure. What this really means is that when someone finds another human being that gives them attention and permission to express themselves and feel connected and free to express themselves and grow, there is deep need being met. The person can become very attached or even somewhat obcessed by finding another person that provides them with a nurturing they may have missed in their lives somehow, not really realizing themselves what is really taking place. So, this may be what your wife is addressing, yet she doesn't truely know consciously what is truely taking place. And this, as I mentioned, is not your fault or something your doing wrong, it is more about a deep need in your wife that was somehow not met, and is now being met.

I believe that often the reason why people end up straying from a relationship is because they have some kind of void that they need to fill, something a partner may not necessarily be filling and may not know how to fill. And, sometimes when two people meet in the workplace where a special kind of "different" nurturing takes place, these people can be drawn to each other without truely knowing what is actually taking place. Often the words used of feeling somehow captive in a situation where someone is in a marriage and "constant duty" that may not be "truely fulfilling" and "appreciated" are the messages you wife spoke of in that text you found. Her new expression and behaviors are of what is now being felt as seeing a path to self empowerment not offered before. They typically want more of what they feel is self empowering or new sense of being appreciated.

One of the things that is becoming more prevelant right now is the rise in infedelity and divorce due to facebook and twitter that people become engaged in. People who engage in that can start quite innocently and end up interacting with someone that fills some kind of hole that needs to be filled. When this takes place it can be just like a drug addiction because as in someone who turns to drugs, some kind of hole is being filled and drugs provide dopamine, but so does attention and adoration.

You talked about your wife as being your soul mate right? What did she provide you with for that to happen? What kept you on the straight and narrow and not out cheating on her? That statement she made about "we need to go over the bills and expenses" what was she saying? That "we" is something that other man "mentor" figure gives her. All this time your wife did duties, and you went out in the world, you didn't really do the duties together, not really. "old school" is a sense that a man provides and the woman is supposed to be happy with that and do the home chores of raising children and cleaning and cooking etc. Your wife is bored with that job, it is not fulfilling her, providing endorfins and dopamine that comes with a person who is engaging life and learning and gaining in personal empowerment that is changing and challenging. Women do want to have children and a home because to a certain extent they are designed to do that biologically. But they are also human and when that part of them is fulfilled often they begin to feel empty. This is part of what men do not understand about women, and often women themselves don't quite understand. But ALL human beings like to learn and grow and feel challenged and fulfilled ALL THEIR LIVES. As a matter of fact, it is healthy and proven that when people actually DO retire, unless they continue to engage, they actually die within as little as two years after retiring. Continuing to learn, grow, engage and thrive with goaled activities are what we are all designed to do, it prolongs our lives.

Now, again close your eyes and step back into that experience you talked about. She said to you, "we need to go over the bills etc", what did you do? How did you respond? If I remember correctly you were depressed, sat in the chair half watching TV right? You failed her test, a test she didn't really consciously know she was presenting. What could you have done? Get out of that chair, enthusiatically say, Yeah, I want to learn about how you have been addressing the finances. After intently listening to her as she begins explaining things, there could have been comments to her about how well she mastered this and did that and wow aren't you so smart honey about this and that decision. But what did you end up doing? Not feeling well, tired and went to bed. And she touched you and nurtured you a bit, but in that moment she was very disappointed that you had not even engaged her at all. And you spoke of how well the two of you did when discussing the paying of the car plan, what did that mean? You did something together, a tiny speck of what that mentor man presents to her.

The only hope you have of getting her back is engaging her, something you did a long time ago when you both met, you gave her adoration and both of you built a life together. And then that slowly disappeared, that WE that was engaging and there and pursued by both of you. This is what men don't see about the women they begin to take for granted and forget to pursue and engage. And what did you do in that bed when you turned from her and went to sleep? What could you have done that may have filled a need in her? You could have turned to her, looked her in the eyes and made passionate love to her, tell her how beautiful she is, that she has so many talents, been a wonderful mother, and lover to YOU. As I mentioned before, what did that anouncement in the movie theater really say? She was saying how much all she did just became so expected, when did anyone tell her what a wonderful mother she was, complimented and point out areas where she filled a specific need? All these voids are what the mentor fills, something he cannot truely tell you over a beer in some meeting. Your handing her away and she is angry and disappointed, but not in a way she can consciously identify. None of you in that movie theater gave her the response she needed from her announcement, you all just go angry and quiet, and totally missed the message. You all validated her emptyness and sense of not being appreciated in a way she is starving to hear. You all got quiet and angry at her, and did anyone stand up and speak of her value and plead her to stay? No, shes the bad guy here because she doesn't want to be the door mat anymore, is crying out, for someone to declare her REAL value and none of her family is doing this for her.

And if she does leave? And is allowed to leave? She will feel like she was never really appreciated for her efforts, it was just assumed of her. She will feel like her efforts were not truely appreciated, just consumed and expected of her somehow. And I don't think she knows how else to express this void in herself. I think she is torn by being a responsible doormat or being valued and appreciated and engaged.

To be honest with you old school, when I think about my own cries and actions, where I have been somehow starved, and how I hurt, often it is because whatever I DID do became just expected of me.
My daughter? I worked my butt of and gave her so much, went without so she could have, and yet when I fell and struggled, she just got mad at me and even hurt me and really never thanked me or recognize what I DID do for her. And often my husband has failed me as well, I was hurt many times by him and whenever I express my own struggle, he just gets angry, and he doesn't see or hear what I really need.

Really sit and think about your family and your relationship and your wife and what is not being said to your wife. I know she is trying to tell all of you, doesn't truely know how to say it out right, but there is definitely a void in her, something her family is just not seeing.

Open Eyes