I still feel very quite uncertain about life in general, but at least i feel i have my t on board with me a bit more now I'm feeling a wee bit happier today- but probably mostly because i took some stimulant drugs- woopsy. Shouldn't have done that. After doing that i end up feeling so depressed and need to take some more. Better do no more- was just today. I'm still really the same old worry-wart named Sezzie who feels young and dumb and i don't think i'll ever get to a place where i want to be in life, but at least I've had my little spat with the therapist. I told her that one of the particular diagnoses that was made on me was such a lazy bullsh*t one. I told her that i really wanted to be referred to an eating disorder clinic and i told her that i feel like i'm in the wrong therapy group for the problems that i wana address. I think what i'll do is stick with that group and just apply what we learn in that group to my issues. I just feel so bad that i've gotten stuck in a group with a diagnosis that i know was a misdiagnosis. I feel so stink because i've mucked up university quite badly. I'm kind of stuck doing part-time again. Anyway I really hope i can stay ok for a good amount of time. I feel so ashamed because i told one of my past lecturers about all of the conditions that i have- I felt that i was possibly a bit too revealing. I kind of regret it and then i sort of don't because i trust that person completely. I just feel like an *** because we have done some research work together in the past and now she'll think i'm a complete cop out and won't be able to handle anything. I feel a bit stink bout that really, but this is all bs really! I'm just mumbling now- The stimulants i've been taking have benzylpiperazine in them. They're illegal in the US, in some states of Aus, but they are totally legal in NZ. They're thos stupid party pills- I totally think they should be illegal so that idiots like me don't get stuck onto them. Why's New Zealand so dumb??? Not supposed to take them with medications but i have and also drink no alcohol with them, but too late!
Above all of that rubbish and before i took those dumb pills i have been feeling a wee bit better- maybe it was just shopping therapy- i dunno- but i sort of hate shopping??? Confused but ok sorta!
-Sezzie-