I am so glad you brought this question to board as I so often enter chat and almost always there will be some one who seems to be walking on egg shells around every comment. I
feel so bad for so many reasons. I see someone who's self-esteem is bruised, every color
and because it just breaks most of the go convo to a halt while we try to figure out
what this person is so making amends for some social "felony" when really...
no body noticed anything.
Love , what the world needs now is love, and mostly love of ourselves and the
beauty there.

Here is my article I wrote on the topic. WARNING, long one.
SSSSSSS


OK, here is a really challenging question for you. When should I apologize, and when should I not apologize.

There is also the implied question of what makes a good and proper apology.

Before I even get into when one should and when one should not apologize; I think it is important to deal with a few issues. number one, we can not be responsible for the other person: when can not expect them; no matter how little they need or how little they deserve (don't deserve) that
apology , for them to accept it, acknowledge it, or even like the words or delievery.
So, like some forms of warfare, just shoot and run. Apology and let it go.

Now, apologies come in a couple of different breeds. There is the "sorry",
or the "I am sorry".
and the "i apologize" which is much clearer. Then there are the many millions of little ways that people interact in their silly ways to make an apology sort of 'unspoken' and understood, without more than a glance or tip of the hat. The gaze that communicates a milliion things.

The "I apologize" is by most people reserved for the 'wow, I really blew it" and usually, depending on the level of relation that you have with the person you have, can include some sort of recap of
the simlpe version of what you did wrong. This "I apologize " can be replaced with the "sorry" or
"i am sorry". and the idea does get across.
In our technological world, a great example is Sindy, gossiping about her resentment over some slight, silly as it was, that Marsha has done to her. and this gossip goes on via an e-mail discusion with Tina, but instead of telling a part of this story to Tina , she (Sindy) accidently hits. send to all
and all her friends and most of Marsha's friends learn of this 'previously hidden' spat.
Such a thing can not be fixed by any measure of money or pleading on bended knee. A betrayal of trust has taken place. This is prime territory for an apology.
There are articles about the proper delievery and qualities of an apology, I will let you research those yourself.

Another place for the apology is the date, you promise to meet a friend and you then decide that it was a bad idea. perhaps you come down sick. this is a small issue. maybe not even needing any
amends. Just call them and explain, "hey, i can't make it , I am sick. next time". But if it is not a great friend, and it might even be for romance, or a job, or for work client, boss, or co-worker, or if the friend was 'somewhat or really counting on you showing, well then, an apology was /is well needed. Did you do anything 'wrong'? certainly not, you succum to the ravages of disease, which is only human. But you did fail to come through for whatever reason to meet another's expectaions. The apology is not because you failed your responsiblity but because 'life' intervened on the agreement between you preventing you for meeitng your end of the bargain. Some people will reject these apologies, that is their way feeling it is not appropriate. or that friends 'make allowances'. Some people will feel they have been betrayed personally, if you are sick, caught in traficc or otherwise postponed. These people will have the people around them get sick of their self-centered ways,blaming everyone for every inconvience in their lives. You may lose them as a friend or client today,or it may happen in years, but it was inevitable iwth this type of person who expects you to show, whether you are in the pink of health or on your pnumonia death bed.
LIFE happens, get over yourself.

There is the responsiblity of what youshould have done, law understand this and holds the perpetrator liable. and the responsibiity of what you should have not done and the law holds for those too. The sins of commion and omission, this are thigns that are a little hard to pin down in many peoples minds; where their 'duty' starts and ends with being the servant or savior for 'the other person.
What I use for myself is a little tool. a phrase. "I am not willing to work with the person who is not willing to do their part."
someone expects me to help them move, I say sure I would be willing to do that, could you pick me up just 15 minutes earlier. and swing by such and such house so I can get an item from Mick?" you say. Your pal agrees. Come the day of the move, he shows up at your door, 30 minutes late, you ask, why did you not show up at 9?" and you recieve a lame and obviously bogus excuse.
Do you apologize for putting him to the inconvince of having your pal drive out to Mick's, and make you all. 45 minutes late to your destination?
Not at all, your pal did not meet your bargain, and did it not because of 'circumstances beyond his control' but out of responsibilty. In such a situation, you may have to weight the boons and banes of doing the move for him, missing your collection from Mick, just to keep the friendship and the peace, OR you may decide to stick to your guns on the rights you have. In such a case your pal may need to expeirence some reprecussssions for his blithe attitude to your time, respect you are due, and a dozen other considerrations. You would probably, if you pal was really just being a tool, be justified in telling him, "you are seeking to break the bargain we had, you are not meeitng me half way, and since you are not willing to respect my generiouisty, time, and give me the respect due. I regretfully have to leave you to make this move without my aid/assistence or effort."
Such tough love and consequencies is the thing certain people need if they have failed to 'grow up.'
In this case, an odd apology of , sorts is probably in order. But there is the implied and infered apology of (and UNSPOKEN) "you have to learn your lesson, sorry time to grow up".

These are not pleasant for anyone, unless you have been carrying them TOO long, or you are a narcisis of sorts.

There is the others of *social conviention* and for some reason, many people turn these away. It is a mystery I have not quite learned to accept yet.
The cousin, friend, co-worker tells you that something horrible happened or someone died or they were scammed for some car repair or they got sick as a dog the day before and missed work for it. You reply; "oh, I am sorry" and invariably will be heard "well it wasn't *your* fault.".
It is a snub, as if to say, your sympathy, not welcome. My advice, learn, get over it, move on. These people failed to learn or habitualized to dismiss this social practice form of empathy/sympathy.

You are not really apologizing because you had anything or any power to make things different. you are expressing your wish that this 'tradgey had not befallen them. shame on the universe, or the theif of a mechanic.

There are the places of misunderstandings, you say, one word or phrase or some 'bit' of what you say or wrote is taken out of context. In such situations it can get to be quite a *pickle* and impossible to wrangle out from under. Especially with boss, co-worker or intimates.
In these sitations the benefit of smoothing things over (perhaps with the lie of an apology) because the true and deep intangibility of some percieved treason could never really be expained wihout making things horribly worse. The best thing come be to apologize and move on. It also may be stored as some ammo for future wars of emotion this person may wage against you. The pluses and minuses have to be weighted on their own merit in each situation. in combination with YOU owning if you did have any blame in the misunderstanding.

When you DO NOT owe an apology, even though you may wish to give one for expendencies sake of saving the marriage, relationship, job,or money; is when you are in the right.

There is the booze apology, "I was drunk, sorry I knocked your daughter up.".
This one is pretty tricky, those situations where you were not in possesion of your faculitites.
I have no opinion to share on this one as it can be really triggering. (HINT HINT)

.....,,**

Once, I was being relieved of my position on a job site, for the shift. My co-worker and relief, come up, chatterying like a parrot who just learned to talk, yap, yap, yap away for half at hour, while I tried to remember 5 complex things to 'hand him down' on his work tasks for the (his) upcoming shift. True as rain, I did get peeved after asking, then telling him,to be quiet, which turned into ' shut the F** up" in sharpy on a paper.
I went and did his job for him, since he would not 'be silent' and take his job agenda for the day. When I returned he shut the door blocking me in the room and threatned me 'physcially' with intent to do harm.
I had my boss sort things out and it was decided. mistakes had been made on both sides. I was told by boss, you should apologize to him.
For the sake of money, I do agree, apologize or risk losing my job, or future promotion. For the sake of right and wrong, words, ALMOST never, should be cause or justification for escalating to physical blows or injury OR restraint.
Since his was the greater infraction, it was his to apologize to me, if only one of us did apologies. What transpired was me apologizing for my 'obscenities' and he apologized for "ME MISUNDERSTANDING'. This is all petty, because no loss of money, or limb was made. He did however, violate my sense of safety. That alone deserved some token.

His apologizing that "I misunderstood" is the height of childish selfish arrogance.
His failure to have any awareness that an "i am sorry' was due, is stupidity in paramount'.

These cover almost all places in which the 'i am sorry' might show and they are myrid, from the social conviention of "i did nothing wrong and you know it, and you know that I know that you know, but it is just a sad bit of LIFE". to the "OH %$^% SHAZBOT". to the "whoops, I got sick" to the "well, what a cute little misunderstanding, thing happen and I might have been perfectly overseeing every detail of everything imaginable but was not".

This I think pretty much covers all the things i have seen or needed to do, or should have been apologized to for.



YOURS Sandy